Thank You

Nanna,

Death is never as easy to comprehend as people assume it will be.

The concept is simple,

You’re here one moment, gone the next.

But it’s not like that at all.

You have been here, not just a moment, but a lifetime,

My lifetime.

I have never existed without the knowledge that you do too.

That you did.

But apparently now you don’t.

The only place I can hear your voice now is in memories.

And I hate that, because they’ve never been reliable.

I know I loved your accent, still so vivid after all these years.

The one memory of you, in your little house,

Sat in your arm chair popping gum while grandad smokes

Or sleeps in his chair,

Is playing on repeat.

I hate that it feels like it's the only one I have,

Besides the one of last time I saw you in the hospital,

Where I’m not sure you remembered my name.

Mum says the family was with you when you died.

She said she told you I was happy and that you looked her in the eye

As if to say thank you.

I had to ask her if it was just like you fell asleep,

Because I don’t know what it’s like to watch someone die.

She told me you faded.

Your eyes closed and everyone stood around you as you slipped away.

I am glad they were with you, especially Grandad.

I’m just sorry I wasn’t.

Every time my thoughts wander to you I cry now.

People always say ‘they would want you to be happy.’

I’m sure you would want me to keep being happy,

But you also deserve my sadness, my grief.

You deserve the tears of the 27 years we shared

As I try to say goodbye.

And that word really hurts.

But I’ll try.

I love you Nanna,

You deserve the peace you now rest in.

Say hi to everyone else for me.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye.

Love Eb. xx