Ten Honest Thoughts About Being Loved by a Married Man

Ten honest thoughts about being loved by a married man

One

I hope one day you’re brave enough to risk everything for me

Two

It was a perfect kiss

Your lips were the getaway car my lungs and voice fought shotgun for

And both won

So I sent a search party out only to find they weren’t coming back without you

Three

You’ll never love me

No matter how many times kissing me goodbye feels like putting a stamp on the postage to a familiar address

The intertwined arms of your life will be a corpse you cannot bury

No matter how many times I offer you a shovel and a hand to help you out of the grave

It will never be enough to change the fact that you’ve killed something

Four

I’m exciting

I’m a 22 year old toy that you always wanted and never thought you had enough money to buy

But I lay on your bed side table for you to play with whenever you are bored

And like a child on Christmas you have rushed into ripping off all my neatly wrapped paper

And played with me for weeks

But now that I am yours I have laid here motionless for days waiting for the other games in your life to become stale once again

Only I never wish for your unhappiness

And somehow that has become my downfall?

Five

God must have made you with the same stardust as himself

He must have then realized this and put a bounty on your head

That my guardian angel is trying to claim

So he has put whispers of you in my soul long ago

And has led me here so fast I am old before my time

He wants me to start praying for you

Because your name is now not just your name

It has become the reason I get out of bed

And isn’t that religion?

Six

The poetry I wrote for you

Has kept me warm

When your body couldn’t

Seven

You are not mine to love

You gave your vows to a girl with a smile

A lot like mine

With a heart a lot like mine

But I am not her

Even if you hold me

Like my arms are the sticks you want to use to build your home

At the end of the night

You will go to another house

And I will use these sticks to light a fire for myself

Eight

I can picture barbecues

Hamburgers smoking on the grill

A pool full of loud splashing children

our dads cracking jokes at each other

And us, the life of the party, an image of pure happiness that all our friends are brought peace by

Because true love really does exist

I see it all in your eyes

Because they have become a looking glass into a life

I have lived in another time

Nine

Hope is not a word I use very often

But if it were I would say things like

I hope you’re happy

I hope every time you find what you’re looking for it brings you back to me

I hope you allow me to break my own heart

Because I hope you don’t pull away before I finally get a chance to fully love you

I hope for a better life

I hope you’re apart of it

I hope we get more time

I hope I get more of you

Ten

I’m tired

I know life is crazy

You say that a lot

I know you’re just trying to make sense of all of this

But I’m tired of waiting

I’m tired of piling up all the little moments I want to tell you of my week in my mind like laundry

Just to throw them into drawers and forget about them at the first sight of you

I’m tired of putting something in its place

And still feeling like it’s not where it needs to be

I’m tired of wondering if you’ve told anyone about me

I’m tired of wondering if you’ve even told yourself