Stop

In the silence that falls after he hangs up

There is one second,

one millisecond

Of peace

A Quiet bliss that fills me and gives me hope

Before the voices come rushing back

And I can’t think through them.

Through the loud roaring inside my brain

I cannot see

I am blinded by a fog that now clouds my vision

And so my eyes dry up and begin to sting

There is a pressure in my ears

And a pointed kind of pain

Just below my belly button.

This is how it feels to die.

To be slowly dying

Every second

Of every day

To be suffocating beneath the weight

Of your own loneliness.

To be drowning in the sea

Of all of your mistakes.

But I am needed in this world.

There are people who depend on me

For their own sanity

So I hold my breath.

I use all of my remaining strength

In an effort to hold on

To just stay alive.

To just keep existing.

My goal now is not to be happy.

My goal is to be.

Because “being”

Takes all of my remaining strength

Until I hear his voice again.

Until I can feel her lips again.

Until I can see his eyes again.

Until I am wrapped

In the safety

Of his arms again.

The arms of my best friend

Who is so far away now

How will I survive this century

without him?

Without his strength

His guidance.

His wisdom

His calmness.

He was my anchor

And now

Now he is gone

And the roaring is louder than ever.

The voices are louder than ever

And they will not stop.

They will not stop

Will not stop

Not stop

Stop