Spilling the Secrets Of My Heart

Here it comes again; St. Valentines Day. Not sure if I'm excited or depressed about it. Each year, I plan and hope and really seek what I desire to have.

Each year, this lovers day is enjoyed by all the couples, even friends seem to celebrate. But I have a secret; a desire that I haven't had the courage to speak of in so long. Deep down in my heart there is a longing that maybe, just maybe, some amazing man sees me as more.

I sometimes dream about coming home and finding me, myself, and I being surprised by candlelit dinner or a beautiful mix of rainbow roses and lilacs. Anything is better than nothing at this point.

Each year I yearn for something; and in the past I've asked to spend this wonderful day with someone close to my heart but they always claim to despise it, therefore I end up pretending this day doesn't mean anything to me.

I want to mean something to someone; I want the relationship. My heart aches to have a man look at me with eyes that connect to my soul, a man that loves to laugh, loves to learn, loves to live like there is no tomorrow. Someone spontaneous, yet romantic, yet crazy and as cheesy as I am, someone who can accept my personality and adapt to how incredibly feisty i can get, someone who can roll with the punches and work by my side as not just as a partner but as a friend as well.

I cannot speak of how many times I've dreamed of flowers at work even not on this day of love, or walks in a beautiful place in a spring sunset, or even dinner at home.

I cannot speak of how many days I've longed for deep conversations that last all night, holding hands in public, being held by someone who doesn't want to let go and dancing just because we can.

So yes; on the outside I pretend like I don't care about this day of love but deep down inside I really do care, and I really do desire to share it with a man who sees and truly desires me because I am me. Deep down I DO want to celebrate it, just not alone.