Social Anxiety

"Cat got your tongue?"

They say to me

I clutch my mother's skirt

stay away from me

Growing up shy

no one played with me

Selective mutism

nothing to say i see

Social Anxiety

they're all laughing at me

~

Where are they?

The words that play with the wind

The ones that float through my head

~

Write a poem to tell my truth

make a counsellor cry with my pain, you see?

Searching for words to say

think them all away

nothing left to say, i see

Where is the voice that speaks within

My lips get ready to talk

as they part in the middle

words disappear from my mind

I try so hard to overcome my own silence

I cannot dig in and keep conversation

I fall short of sentences with single words that form minimal effort

but it's not

You look at me, and I forget every word that ever existed

I hear your voice and my mind goes blank

You ask me what I want, and I only ever remember wanting you

I want to put my brain in my tongue and speak the words aloud

I wish for you to hear every thought that I've ever had

But I have no voice

I have been tracking it for days

Crafting the pretty things, it would say

So much floods in and I know it all

But I go to say it, and I lose it all

In therapy they teach me techniques

On how to talk and set boundaries

I try to apply it in real life

I try to talk out loud

But my mouth is sewn shut

and i can't find the scissors

or the knife

or anything that would open it

What word

what way?

How do I unlock the hidden chest in my tongue that will make it speak poetically?

What word

what line?

In my mind it flows so freely

fast rushing waters

Where is the voice

when did it leave?

I see traces of it floating through the air

I try to follow the invisible lines

But they stop suddenly

~

and so do I

~

It is my turn to talk

My heart races and sweat beads down my sides

If I focus on my paper, I can nail every word in every line

I look up to the crowd

woah

Taking it all in, I freeze in place

All the words just dissipate

panic

panic

panic

now i cannot breathe

cannot think

cannot

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• Challenge: Poetry of the Hunt