Skin

My skin does not belong to me

It belongs, evidently, to men

That is why I say yes to him

When he asks me to sleep in his bed

and give him head

or maybe it's because he asked 12 times

but who's counting

not I

I'm to busy lying to myself about actually wanting

him

Kind of like how I lie to myself

about the aching in my stomach

Whenever he touches my skin

I was taught to be this way

the bible said to worship men

do as they say and don't fuss

they have all the control

over us

〰️

Little me didn't know any better

but it was him who solidified the lies

I could say no forever

and he would ask until I changed my mind

〰️

Manipulation of reality

distorted visions smell foul if you can see

bend down and take it, dawg

you wouldn't make it out your own

so do as I say

and you'll make it through the day

〰️

a beautiful picture on the outside

and the years to show face

if there was blame

then it's all my fault

like adam pointed at eve

he pointed at me and screamed

〰️

Why not throw another cup, dear?

how about another dent in the car?

hold me down till slobber falls out

and tell me

it's all your fault

〰️

But he's not here to defend himself

so how could

I

say so much

〰️

if he could speak of my ills

I'm sure that I'd be touched

maybe it was the defending myself

in the only way I knew how

I'm not innocent, my screams were loud

I threatened to leave many times

I said hi to a guy I used to love

Guilt dripped from my seams

Nothing happened other than small talk

so why did he claim it as a cheat?

was it because I didn't listen to his pain

after he gnawed on my bones raw

〰️

maybe it was the dis-order that ate me alive

my staying in bed, trying to hide

energy zapped, i had no life

light too dim

I cannot

abide

〰️

I was never good enough

so why would i bother trying

I could help

he'd be joyous

smile

happy

then get snappy

you don't do anything

you'd never survive on your own

i always take care of you

and provide you with a home

a house is not a home

if anger bursts my face

if challenged by simple tasks

that make him want to attack

〰️

pain dribbled down my mind

but I liked it in the dark

comfort in the jagged rocks

with cuts down my arms

and bleed out i did

all over the place

the floor

the tub

the bed

the space

and bleed out i did

when over my head

i thrashed from unhealed past

i carved my tongue

into spikes that sliced

the insides of my cheeks

and let out a blood curdling cry

his knees began to rattle

〰️

i thought i might grab

the cold hard steel blade

and cut him right into bits

if he continued to yell at me

〰️

then one day

it all changed

I say day as if years didn't pass

where healing took my heart down a different path

i sat on the bed in the cramped little room

an explosion in my face

I reached out my heart

and a kindness did float

off my tamed tongue

in peacefully surrender

but what was met was the same old jet

this is all your fault

he said

〰️

dᵢd ₕₑ ₑᵥₑₙ ᵣₑₘₑₘbₑᵣ?

〰️

a splitting image

the same red face

a voice so loud

it slowed my pace

and tears did flow

right now my face

in streams like those

leading up to lakes

and still he yelled

not bothered by

the cold water soaking my cheeks

nor the sobs that escaped my breath

could shower my relief

the boiling hot, it covered over

like a blanket filled with fleas

a second glance and i'm just over

no satisfaction could appease

〰️

but why?

why did you do that?

why did you hold me down

and yell it over

and over

and

over

and

o

v

e

r

a

n

d

〰️

until I wiggled to my escape

and the fucking thing is

My cat's alive

your cruel words

trying to convince me he'd die

that was the end

for me

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Stream of consciousness, meaning, no edits, just endless thought until it ends. Just the brain doing the things and the fingers floating 'round.