sink or swim

I keep having the most

vivid dream

where I’m trapped beneath

a sinking ship

that comes to rest

at the bottom of the sea.

And to my surprise,

I find that

I can still breathe,

but only for a time,

for the clock continues to tick,

and I have a feeling that

death is coming for me quick.

But you see,

in these dreams,

I am never alone;

I can see the others

frantically trying

to swim toward the sun’s light,

beckoning them from the surface.

Each one seems terrified,

and rightly so,

as the vast expanse of sea

opens its mouth

in an attempt

to swallow them whole.

It’s both beautiful

and frightening

to watch so many people

swim so hard against the current,

as it exerts its full force,

a million pounds of pressure,

to pull each one down.

But humans being humans,

they are all determined to survive,

firmly believing that they can

make it out of this alive.

And in my dream,

for a moment,

I believe it too.

Then, of course,

one of the swimmers

stops to turn around,

calling out:

Come with us or you’ll drown!

I try and try

but can never move,

for my foot is always crushed

beneath the hull that pins me down.

Perhaps,

if the conditions were right

in these dreams,

I could put up more of a fight.

But that’s how depression works,

isn’t it?

Some days, you have the strength,

and the courage,

to swim like hell

and get your head above water.

Other days, you’re just too tired,

and lack the energy required,

to buoy you up,

like everyone else.

So, you let the water pull you under

and stay there until

you run out of air.

No longer able to breathe,

you forget all about

your basic human needs:

Eat.

Drink.

Sleep.

Repeat.

And then there's that terrible,

sinking feeling that

life has you beat.

But then you start to think

that having nothing

to struggle against

means having nothing

to struggle for,

so you pull it together

and try again,

this time hoping that,

perhaps, the next round

you might actually win.

- sink or swim