Should You?

Have you ever been so torn between a decision? Oh it seems so fun! But, oh no I could never do that. But why not? It’s not dangerous, other people do it all the time. Oh but what if it is… But it’s not.. But it could be. So you sit there.. Contemplating, whether you should, or you shouldn’t or you should, or you shouldn’t, but maybe you should.

And before you even know it, before you land on a choice. You’ve decided you shouldn't, whether you meant to or not. Because in the time you could have spent living, you spent sulking, and wondering, and surrounded in your own deep dark inky cloud of worry.

This constant back and forth, this curse you can’t seem to shake, this nagging, grating, irritating voice in the back of your head constantly questioning every decision you make, every choice you choose, and every act you take. Should you? And you always decide you shouldn’t. No matter how bad you want to, no matter how bad you feel you should. You just can’t bring yourself to go against the voice.

Why step outside of your comfort zone? Why take unnecessary risks? Why bother yourself with the feeling of disappointment when it doesn’t work out just like you knew it wouldn’t. What’s the point of putting yourself out there when it’s safer inside where it’s soft and isolated from the dangers of new experiences.

And you know what the point is. It’s to be able to experience life to the fullest, to enjoy the time you have. But should you? That time you claim to want to enjoy is dangled in front of you, across a fissure of possible mistakes and mishaps so deep and intimidating, just creeping further towards you as you look that could ruin it all. And although it’s such a small chance you slip into that fissure, you could.

So.. Should you? You shouldn’t.. Right? But maybe you should, but what if it goes wrong? You shouldn’t. And just like that after all that reflecting all that thinking, you’ve landed on the same answer you’ve seen many times before.

You crawl, defeated, back to the zone that you claim is “comfort”. The zone that feels more like an area of shame. Where the curse you just have to accept as a part of you resides, that voice in the back of your head that always questions you. That empty black void of nothingness, that area where you sit, doing nothing. Where you sit, regretting every time you said you shouldn’t.

But even after all this time of being stuck in this concrete block you’ve trapped yourself in for “safety” the next time you’re given the choice, you still ask yourself. Should I?

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