She Cannot Remember

She lies curled up tightly in a fetal position

Her white hair matted and sweaty against her head

Her brown eyes gazing out from the nothingness of

A dying and diseased mind

A thin hospital sheet covers her body

A scratchy blanket folded at her feet

She can’t communicate that she is cold

But her body is shivering and shaking

A caretaker comes in to make sure she eats

She has forgotten how to eat

Yet she fights attempts at nutrition

Another caretaker bathes her every other day

Exposing and denying her the pride, arrogance and dignity

She held so close to her existence for so long

Like the sea shells she used to keep on her mantle

She is empty, hollow and without a soul

She can’t remember her children, or her grandchildren

But she also cannot remember the

Neglect and abuse she inflicted on them

This disease removes remorse and accountability

She cannot remember the husbands

Who took care of her

Who protected her from harm and from herself

The men who provided home, hearth and supported her

Frivolities with no expectation except respect and love

She used and broke each one of them

But it doesn’t matter now,

They are still there for her

If not in body, then in spirit

She has forgotten almost everything

And it frees her from remorse and guilt

Almost like she made a deal with Satan

“You can have my soul, if I don’t have to remember

Just take away my ability to be responsible

Take away my ability to make amends

Take away the consequences

Allow me to be pitiful and helpless

If I don’t remember

I don’t have to look at my loved ones faces

And see the pain my selfishness has caused them.”

So, she prayed to be free to forget it all

Even if it meant forgetting her loved ones

When you forget it all, you lose it all

Funny, how karma works

She cannot remember

- Julie O'Hara 2023

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