shadows

They say

We are

Just barely

A shadow of a man.

Just barely a rib

From his chest.

Have we not held the heart?

Did we not tie you to our backs?

We have brought forth life from breath,

We have stretched out and bent backwards.

We have lamented in the dark.

We have praised with the same mouth.

We have danced the light in.

And still,

Just barely

A shadow of a man.

-a.c.i.

Scene: Kamasi Washington x Clair de Lune

Things just weren't clear. I couldn't always see where I stood with you. But I knew there was love. I banked on it, but rarely did I inspect the elements. There was smoke and spirits, but never fire and commitment. I saw you whole, even when I hadn’t realized a fullness within myself. I could admit I lived in a land of fantasy. Where else could I escape the bitter realities? Your life was too full for me, prematurely building homes in you made with half-hoped wishes. I was a childish lover, endlessly spewing how much I didn’t need it. Never missing a beat to sit in its light though. I knew the truth. I spoke a backwards truth. I buried myself in my work, ate when I could muster energy and appetite, struggled to stay open to forgiveness, waiting on closure with keen hopes that the best you would meet me at the door. The memories still followed, laughter echoing in nightmarish daydreams.

I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t settle the obsessive thoughts. I felt I had been stripped of an attachment I thought I’d always know. I stayed for love because it was better than facing a chance of regret. I didn’t want to miss out. I didn't want to sit with loneliness. Better than sitting in a crowded room with no music to fill the empty air. Sitting alone with guilt; instead I left myself listing the ways I conspired in our downfall, taking every piece of the blame - I loved you more than self. I mourned in the shadows and gave you my sun. No delay, few hesitations. It dawned on me, over the course of many entanglements and overdue release, that the idea of what could've been had taken over the facts that were harder to swallow- and I took them with whiskey. I was aware of a love I no longer wanted. I couldn’t be kept on hold forever. I had other calls I ignored too often. I had more to offer than silence and niceties and a cheap smile. I finally deleted the history, pictures swiped without second thought. There was nothing left to show for us, but a single admission of guilt- my bubbling apologies in a nervously sorrowful text.

Hurt shed light on a different avenue of healing; it was never too far from you, but it came closer to me all the more. Everyday wasn’t always chocolates and roses. There had been thorns and betrayals, tears and sleepless nights. But, pain brought new visions with it. I had to regain composure. Extend some grace to the person I faced in the mirror; for her decisions, for her heart, for her shortcomings. I desired to create a home in my bones where rejection wouldn’t cause me to crumble so quickly. I wanted the freedom to get lost in my thoughts in my sheets, aware of nothing more than my own security and bliss. I just wanted to give some time to joy before I could feel empowered enough to face the long-backed demons. But, the bills couldn’t wait on that. Always juggling some else's loads. Always somewhere to be, out longing for home.

I know she is within me. Extracting my energies from you provided a valuable lesson. Even when I had nobody, I had me. No matter how fragile the spirit, the temple stood (and it rocked). My heart needed more than she was getting, and was getting less than she deserved. "Life is simply too short for the bullsh*t." I could understand, see a little more clearly with the hindsight at a distance. Observing from a place where your lights didn't appear as blinding as before. It wasn't for anyone to understand how my I did my healing. I was desperate to do it on my own terms- something on my own terms, for once. A man I had put on a pedestal. A pedestal made of high hopes. And I was just as human.