Sea Salt

I spent years not being there for myself,

or others,

An empty shell.

Only doing what I felt coerced to do

lead by my childhood trauma

yet --never quite realizing it.

I didn't take care of myself

and

I didn't love others

because I didn't love myself

Like a runaway train on

broken tracks --never staying

on course

I'd veer all over the place

heading non stop to my

own version of hell.

Danger and excitement

all in my daily repertoire.

I threw pride and self identity

out the window.

Then the anger started!

All the denial and self blame

for past sins

that weren't even my own

came flooding back--waves

of regret in an angry storm

of realizing all I had lost

a childhood lost --buried

in dirt and shame

They say water is healing

but when so much hurt is

suddenly filling wounds

with salt water --it's going to

hurt before it heals.

But finally, she arrived.

I reached out

and caught an unlikely hand

she pulled me in --to the shore

finally

the seas of anger

parted.

and I started to heal

I've come to accept the loss

and every loss after that.

I don't beg for love

or friendship

and I am my own advocate.

Now I feel the need to

pay it forward

help those like me

to realize it does get better

eventually...

...for me life has just begun.