scar cream

My mom bought me

A cream

To make scars

Disappear

I cannot bring myself

To put it on

I don’t know

How to explain

That it scares me

When they leave-

When they are gone

Who am I

Without my scars?

How will they know

My pain?

How will I be seen?

How will I be heard?

How will I be me?

Only my scars see

My pain

The way I

Collapse

Right in the doorway

Because one more step

Is too much

Only my scars hear

When pain keeps me

Up at night

Where the tears

aren’t enough

And I scream

At the top of my lungs-

Not a piercing shriek-

Not that horror movie shit-

But loud desperate sobs

Or maybe they are prayers

That can only be silenced

By swallowing sleep

In a capsule

I need them to see

I need them to be

On the floor

With me

I need them to hear it

To scream with me

To be stuck

In this cruel time loop

To see

It doesn’t get better

I can hide

But the pain seeks

And brings me

Right back

To some couch

In some office

For some

Diagnosis

Fear

That they are

possessed

By some demon

That they need

To exorcise the depression

Out of them

Vomit it up

And cleanse their body

Of trauma

I need them to

Feel

Like it is a part

Of them

The way it is

A part of

Me

I’m identified by illness

By disability

By these

Scars

By blood

By black charcoal on my face

And the scrubs

I don’t remember putting on

By lying on

bathroom floors

So I wear my scars

On my face

Like battle scars

War wounds

I am a veteran

Give me my discount

Because you won’t fight

The war

With me

So I guess I’ll

Put on

The cream

Instead