Rest

I'm so tired that I have dreams about sleeping.

Sometimes I dream that I've woken up and gone back to a strange and uncanny version of my life

I don't know if I'm asleep or awake, and it feels like I'm drowning, trapped

Waking up is worse.

I try to force myself into consciousness but I keep getting dragged back down into the depths of torturous sleep

My body won't listen to me, my eyes won't stay open, my limbs won't move,

It hurts.

I rarely win the battle.

It doesn't matter if I've had 4 hours, 8 hours, 12 or more,

It's never enough.

It's too much.

When I manage to tear myself out of bed I spend the next few hours floating around on autopilot

Deep within myself I'm fighting to properly wake myself up

Fighting for control

Eventually I drift back fully into my body

I'm still tired, but at least I feel more like a real person

But that exhaustion is still always there

Lurking in the background

A looming threat that at any moment I could be pulled back into the liminal space

Of waking and unrestful sleep.