remember, remember, the fifth of november

i want them all to surround me

i want their apologies

i want their eyes to water

we’re so sorry we ever hurt you

i forgive you for that

i understand

we are here

i am held

my body isn’t

it’s my soul

they hug me and kiss me and i am okay

i am okay

everyone is here

it is all okay

nobody is at war

there is peace here now

i am loved

they love me

they apologise again and again

they will make it up

they will patch the hole

they will comfort and love me

i want them to see my suffering

and pick my body from the floor

and nurse me until i am better

whispering softly and tenderly

we are sorry, we are sorry

i know i didn’t deserve it

but i need to hear it from them

they are sorry, they are so very sorry

they care for me like no other

i want this

i am surrounded and celebrated

on my 19th birthday

remember my 16th? i'm saying

those at the back, they don’t meet my eye

i remember that

fireworks and coats and a lot of convincing

i was alone until i wasn’t

my 19th wasn’t real

it wasn’t going to happen

but it did

and i am glad

though i am not surrounded by them

but there will be fireworks, and there will be music and there will be family and

and maybe,

maybe i will go back to my 16th

maybe i will sit on that bench. like nothing has happened.

like none of it ever happened.

i was never hurt

nothing ever bled

maybe i’ll be 10 again.

nestled by parents' arms.

coats and fireworks and candles and fun.

presents and childhood and turning double digits

not 19

thank you to my mother

who gave me this day

19 years ago. to the date

Remember, Remember the Fifth of November.

(Created on 5/11/2022. I had just turned 19. An age I promised 16 year old me I wouldn’t reach. I'm 21 now. I tend to break promises, apparently.)