Recurring

Metal spikes hammered into every pressure point of my body

An unconscious allusion to my fear of needles

--trypanophobia--

A remnant of medical trauma

An emotional scar

From being held down as someone jabs me

Because they needed to have my blood on file

Before they could institutionalize me

Holes drilled into my skull as I am forcibly held down

--trepanation--

Such as they historically did to mentally ill people

Like me

In efforts to alter their behaviour

So that they may become socially acceptable

And deemed deserving of life and autonomy

Molten metal injected into my veins

Drowning in a vast ocean of darkness

Falling from a cliff to my death

These are the sensations I experience

The visions I see

When my eyes finally shut after hours of sleeplessness

These dreams that torture me

Are they merely expressions of suppressed conscious thought

Do I expend so much mental energy on trying to ignore the real, physical pain I experience

That it bleeds into my unconscious thoughts

The bigotry that subversively poisons and conditions you

Subversively poisons and conditions me

The trauma that comes with being an autistic baby, child, adult

Who struggles to navigate this world filled with social quagmires

And a pain condition

With a parent that does not believe in pain

For how could it be okay

That I use a cane

That I use a wheelchair

That I show "weakness"

Is it wish fulfilment

Does my internalized belief that I am deserving of pain

--a byproduct of the ableism that is ubiquitous in my life--

Follow me into my dreams

And make that pain a reality

Filling every moment indiscriminately

Both awake and asleep

With physical pain

The psychosomatic manifestation

Of my trauma

Of my pain

My scars

On the occasions that the pain does follow me into my sleep

Torturing my unconscious mind

I wake up in a cold sweat

Filled with the fear

The dread

The pain

Of my nightmares