Prologue: Salamander Kindling

There weren’t always dragons in the Valley

“Pass me that faggot Sally!”

Sally handed over the bundle of sticks

And with a toss the bonfire was done

A quick flick of the thumb, the whole thing was alight

The dragons in all their might, one of them half in flight

What a sight, a showcase of light

The ceremony celebrating the fight

Already won, already done, Sally took half a step back and retied her bun

She told me she was a nun

A helper from abroad

No gesture untoward, she was an angel from the Lord

That night we made love

The next day I was sore

My oesophagus rose from my core

She told me she used to be a hoar-

Soothingly I ushered her towards the door

All I could say was the dragons were no more

Valiantly I pulled myself from my bed

Hopped on my sled and headed to town

The first thing, a raucous scream

“The dragons have returned!”

A glistening creature of green

Seething with anger at the burned down relief

Mistaking the effigy as one of its kin

In grief, destroyed the town from within

Slashing claws through closing doors

Ripping villagers from limb to limb

The timber houses stood no chance

The kings counsel quickened their dance

The knights were terrified, oh so frightened -_- “

The priests were sanctified, tending the blighted

I looked around, arrows were flying down

The dragon faltered, flighted, and kited

A counter of flame set the bowmen skyward

The knights then charged forward

It wasn’t long, before they too were gone

And I wondered when I would be done

So, I simply sat on my sled

As I watched it tear into a shed

The castle walls weren’t so far away

But all the soldiers had called it a day

After the first onslaught, they had resigned their fate

And it didn’t matter what the king said, it was far too late

For the dragon was nigh invincible

Beer and surrender were only by principle

“Let it have what it wants!”

The tall men said, and so that night everyone went to bed

Except for me I was too intrigued

How can she slap! The city was besieged!

So, the king offered me ten thousand gold

To simply explore the dragon’s hold

So, on my sled, whilst everyone was in bed

My horses I led, to follow the dragon’s tread

Without dally, I went into the valley

Not a thing to carry, not even a shield to parry

I was so brave, I was so strong

My muscles were likened to Poseidon’s prong

Because of that I knew I could

Fuck the fags, give me some oud

Because of that if the dragon roared

I would punch him in the balls and steal its hoard

If he breathed fire, I might perspire

And if he slashed, I would simply dash

And if he wanted to fight, I’d show him my might

And if he’d bite, it’s one-two goodnight

Now picture me, in all my glory

As I rode into the valley, singing my story

Only to find Sally, curled up in a ball

Surrounded by scales, still with dragon-like nails

Hanging the free titty, she said to me

“You still owe me tree fitty.”

- - -

So, I told her to fuck off

That’s what I told the king

Not quickly enough, could he bring

My ten thousand gold, out from his hold then said

“Wow, you should be the king!”

I just shrugged, brushed my shoulders, and coughed,

“All in a day’s work.”

I responded with loft

All in a year’s work, I thought to myself

Perhaps I’ll never recover, how’s that for mental health

But still I took the gold, since I wanted to explore the valley some more

Hoping… one day, I’ll find Sally