Pretending

One day you brought me food, and I disgusted myself in imagining that you watched as your gift traveled my esophagus to dip itself in acid

Stomachs were the first thing to evolve, before mouths, jaws and teeth, when devour was all we could do.

You enter my million year old digestive system, and I extract nutrients from you that you did not want to give up

I write this to vomit you up, to release my disappointment in myself for falling in love with you, for gorging myself to filth, capacity, pain

Oxytocin connects me to you and does not affect you, you sleep with me and do not stay

I pretend I do not want more.

I tricked myself into non-obsession, trick myself into oblivion

Pretend I no longer write about you

Pretend I do not imagine you watching me

Pretend I do not notice your eyes on me

Pretend I do not notice that you do not admit to yourself how much you love me

Pretend you do not want me at all, do not want to know me, do not want my full love

Pretend my intensity does not scare me as much as I scare you

Pretend you do not like hanging out with me, that you do so out of obligation

Pretend not to get jealous when you mention the attractiveness of others because that is what friends do

Pretend that I am not wasting ink writing about a man I will never have in the way I want

Pretend that I am not lily-padding my way to you, merely to feel the excitement of something new

Pretend not to know when you get out of work so I can hope for a message from you

Pretend that I do not care, that I do not watch out for your name on a screen

Pretend that I am not writing this at all

Pretend that I am not pretending

.

I always make sure to vomit in a shower so it washes away easily, pretending that it was not about you as I swish water to clean between my young teeth