posing for portraits

I'm always afraid and I hate it, I'm defamed

I want to feel capable my thoughts well arranged

but I can't control the dizzying noise in my head

and try as I might I can't fight the immense dread

wish I wasn't this way wish I could be proud

have opinions, a backbone, speak with conviction and loud!

but I'm insecure, I'm anxious, just a mere weed

surrounded by people destined to succeed

the weight of being has become far too heavy

and someday one small thing'll surely break this levee

I've kept too much in the hollow of my chest

want to let it out though I know it's not best

I know you'll turn running, you'll all head for the hills

because honesty's never been better than cheap thrills

I recall vividly the moment I was the saddest

when my ex said I was the happiest person he's met

it was then that I realized I'm so misunderstood

by repressing the bad things, only showing the good

I'm not a clear picture, I'm under exposed

but I'm not naive I know how this thing goes

had I been honest, let you see past my smile

you still would've left me after a short while

you know everyone says they want real honesty

but no one knows how to deal when they don't like what they see

it's easier to believe that I could just be that strong

to hit bottom so regularly and still get along

impenetrable, resilient, willful, carefree

people paint so many pictures of me

don't see myself in any poorly informed portrait

and with each new image it gets easier to forget

who I am in my own eyes, who I'm meant to be

impossible to know when I won't let the world see!

getting rejected for being some version of me

is easier than to show you myself in true clarity

I can cope with the fact that I'm misunderstood

but can I live with you knowing I'm just no good?

I believe every criticism, distrust all acclaim,

that's what it's like to live in constant shame!