Plans unwoven.

I’m sitting here, taking my shoes off like that’s some kind of solution,

Like staying home, hiding away, is better than facing the eyes,

Than hearing the laughter…

That’s been my life, all my life.

I’ve always dreamt—no, I’ve begged—for a life where I don’t have to hide,

Where my mind isn’t my enemy,

And the universe is not trying to tear me apart, but actually,

finally,

on my side.

____

But the feeling stays.

Time passes and nothing changes,

And I still can’t think of a way out.

I want to shake it off, but it sticks to me like a second skin.

It hurts…

____

Making plans that never come to life.

Letting go before I even try.

I know it’s not right—I know—

But I sit back down,

Plans fading, surrendering in silent defeat.

___

There’s a part of me that gives in…

That whispers back to the anxiety,

Echoing its voice until I can’t tell where it ends and I begin.

The dread of being seen, of being known, it eats me alive.

The reflection staring back at me….

It’s so horrible

And God, i wish it wasn’t me.

____

p.s

I’m still in the process of posting all my poems from my archives, including some that may seem hopeless. However, I believe every season of life is beautiful and leads to something good. I’m generally more positive now, but I didn’t always feel this way. I think all parts of my journey are equally valuable and deserve to be shared.

I’m going to keep posting these poems in their vulnerable state, even though some may be triggering. I want to reinforce that all your feelings are valid. In those moments when you feel like absolute s**t, remember that you can always get through it and see yourself in a beautiful light. Embrace your weaknesses; don’t try to cover them up.

I’ll keep sharing my poems as I go, and I don’t want to forget those moments.

But i certainly do not want to go back lolll