HOLDING ON TO THE LIGHT.

I found Him at nine—too young to know,

Too young to grasp what the hell I was holding.

Did I cling to hope cause I needed to be held back?

Was it a child’s dream,

Or something real pulling me through the cracks?

____

Still I remember that Scripture—

That cold, dark night,

Flipping pages like they’d save me.

“You are a rebel for me,” I thought it said,

But nah, the verse read different,

“You were called a rebel from birth” were the actual words.

___

Now that messes with me, twists me up,

Because that verse wasn’t meant for the chosen.

It was for those who defy, who deny—

And yet, it comforted me.

The rebellious child who never felt enough,

Never good enough.

___

Back then, I missed the context, mixed up the lines

My eyes drowning deep in tears so i couldn’t see clearly the words…

But what I got, what I felt—

That was real.

The Holy Spirit showed me what I needed to see.

In a book that felt like the last place I could go,

I flipped a page and BAM, there it was.

Words not for the whole world,

But for me.

In a language my shattered heart could understand.

____

Cause light don’t wait for perfect conditions,

It cuts through,

Carves through the darkness.

Finds you in the mess,

In the chaos of your home,

In the broken pieces of your soul.

And man, did I need that.

____

But now—

Now the doubts are back.

And the light I once saw?

It ain’t bright enough.

I got distracted, derailed,

Listened to people who didn’t deserve my ear.

Forgot for a second, You were the reason.

Forgot my life ain’t tied to what others tell me.

____

So I ask—

Would He answer if I didn’t know Him like I should?

Everything pulling me to Him has been stripped away,

Replaced by hypocrites,

Fanatics,

Spitting laws I can’t vibe with.

____

Where’s the diversity,

The grace I saw in You?

Now it’s all rigid lines I can’t walk through.

___

Would You even get my pain?

When suicide felt like the only escape?

When a blank slate seemed better than the life I was handed.

So many like me chose that door—

And man, I would have gone through too

for i feared it was my only way to save what little of me was left.

____

Yet something held me.

One voice, one whisper that didn’t let go.

Thank God for that voice—

Not their hands, not their words,

But Yours.

Reaching through the void,

Grabbing me before I fell too far in the mud.

___

When all the ties around me snapped and frayed,

It was Your hand that pulled me back.

When no one else was left to hold me.

And all my pieces were shattered on the floor….

Your grace was the exchange

For me to take off.