Pathetic

Pathetic. I’m pathetic. I am.

You call me a liar, but I didn’t lie. You say I love it, the drama. Maybe. Maybe I like the feeling of having all eyes on me, because it’s the one way to get all eyes on me. I’m fun and give people attention, your words. I’m fun. And everyone wants someone fun. That’s everyone’s words, whether they say them aloud or not. Why would you want someone sad who feels pain and has insecurities. Why would you want someone who talks about these things.

It’s not just you. Other men I have had sex with, my friends, my mother. My mother has a way of not listening and making you feel like you’re all alone even when she’s in the room. Maybe I’m just too pathetic for her to listen, maybe I’m too pathetic even when I’m giving her money or listening to her drama even when I know she deserves everything coming her way. Because she’s pathetic. Maybe that’s where I get it from.

It’s not just her. It’s everyone else. All the men, not just the ones I have sex with. My dad. My stepdad. My grandpa. My boss. Everyone who sees through me even when I try to be fun and give them attention, everyone who just sees me.

I know who I am. I’m not tall, nor built, nor do I have a nice voice, nor rhythm, nor hold any particular grace nor talent. I know I’m just me.

And maybe that’s what I liked about you. I liked that you saw all the things I’m not and still found me, fun, and liked that I gave you attention. And saw me, even if for being nothing more. Nothing more than pathetic. It’s not just being pathetic, it’s all the other stuff, being angry, and hurt, and tired, and hurt, and very, very angry. I used to be angry at all of them, for leaving me and not just leaving me and, lying.

You call me a liar, they’re the liars. And maybe that’s what I like about you, you don’t lie. You don’t tell me “I’m a great guy,” and that “you love me” as you ignore me, or call me crazy under your breath, and not not say anything. You tell me the truth. I’m pathetic. If only they could all say it. Pathetic. Maybe then I’d be able to accept that I am pathetic and accept myself. Pathetic. Not expect more. Not expect anything. Just accept that I am pathetic.