parking lots

apparently

i have a thing about parking lots

i’m not sure what it is

at day they are temporary, uniform mazes

at night they are lonely, dark mazes

the comings and going are limitless

shoppers, workers, friends meeting for lunch

drug deals, kidnappings, escapes

the parking lot at larson’s pizza in lakeport

was a place of meeting

cruising main street was the only thing to do

if you were trying to stay out of trouble

meeting friends, flirting, listening to music, gossiping

what else do you do when you’re 17?

that parking lot was hallowed ground

we could pretend to be grown up there

but when i got older, i faced 1 more parking lot

the days inn in novato

you can see it clear as day off the 101

like a big wart amongst the golden hills of marin

a giant parking lot that ushered in big rig drivers needing a break from the road

when i entered this parking lot it was dark

i was in a car with 3 other people

2 i didn’t know

1 i thought i did

we were looking for a place to hang out

to drink and smoke some weed

we got a room for the night

i don’t know what i was doing there

i guess i wanted friends

in a bad way

i wanted to be wanted

i wanted someone to think that i was worthy of being wanted

i wanted to be loved

its odd, i don’t even remember my friend’s name

she was an assistant manager at the wherehouse

where we worked together

these were her 2 best friends, i was told

on leave from the marine corp, a little r and r, i was told

they were all black

i’m not sure why that’s even important

only to say that to this day it is one of the things

that informs my ptsd, my anxiety, my depression

we drank some

we laughed and carried on some

they drank more

i stopped

i had to drive back home to santa rosa later

i did

i couldn’t stay here

i barely knew these men

she kept drinking

i barely knew these men

she passed out on the bed next to us

i barely knew these men

they sat down beside me

told me how pretty i was

what a nice ass i had

i barely knew these men

i was thinking of the parking lot

i saw 2 big rigs out there

if i could just get out of here

and run out to the parking lot

someone would find me and help me

i thought about my bare feet running on the pavement

in my mind it didn’t hurt

in reality... it all hurt

...time passed

i’m unsure of how much

i checked out for the majority of the event

and then... they were not in me anymore

they were laughing

i did not feel their skin on my skin

i ran

my bare feet hitting the pavement

it didn’t hurt

even in reality

i ran to the truck at the farthest end of the parking lot

no one was in it

so i hid

not very well

there was a tap on my shoulder

1 of the 2 was there, trying to console me, and handing me back my underwear

he drove me to my car

that was parked in another parking lot where we met earlier that evening

he thanked me for a great evening and told me to stop crying

its no big deal

i cried all the way home

only to enter another parking lot

at my apartment complex

complex

complex

complex

you know if say a word over and over again it doesn’t sound like a word anymore?

my life profoundly changed that night

except

if you had asked me the next day

i would have told you different

in fact for the next five or six years

i would have told you different

and by the way

the weather is not lovely in the state of denial

but there is sunshine

maybe no puppies and bunnies

but there is sunshine

teaching young first years

and some upperclass undergrads

i’ve been a warm shelter

a place of safety and assistance

a hug, an ear, a smile

to let them know that they are not alone

and i walk with them

to the campus S.A.F.E. place

holding their hand

we walk across the parking lot together