Pain upon waking

My eyes split, a subtle beam of morning sun suddenly pushes it’s way through the skin coffin my eyes encase themselves with

It burns and I wince with contempt for bright orange sky, disrupting my dreams and escape from the day ahead

Reignites all my worries and anxieties about what is to come, no longer in a world free from the chains of reality’s harshness

I scorn all in the face of such beauty as the sun rises higher painting a piece that could never be repeated or critiqued

But all I can do is slowly fall into wearing, as I can no longer enjoy beauty as with it comes so much pointless and never ending suffering

My mind has now raced through my day 1000 times, I can no longer muster the strength to actually do it, my hell freezes over and Satan is stuck in the ninth circle

The sun seems to mock me, hanging from the tall tower in the sky looking down upon me with disappointment for not excepting its warmth on my frozen limbs

Though my heart is too cold now shut off from the childhood wonder of nature and life, shrivelled by years of exhaustion and hurt, no longer enjoying beauty as it is only a distraction from things undone

I weap hard now the frustration and anger lurches between each choking wale, begging for understanding that will never come, for the warmth and the reassurance to appreciate more than daily life, to for once be allowed to stand in the rays of the sun and soak in their beauty

The small go ahead and pat on the back I never got will now only come to me when I lay breathing shallow and under the dark ink canvas of the sky where my dreams can fill up the blackness with colour and warmth

Where I am allowed to enjoy all that the sun, the trees, and the ocean have to offer me- it’s all illusion though, only wishes that can lived out in some other place where I can lie to myself about who I am and who others are

The contrast between these two states solidified my heart more and more everyday, it becomes harder to be in locked in this prison, my heart hardly moving under the pressure of solid ice, one day it will take me, my urge to dream will become too great and the only warmth left will pour out from me as I drift off like a child into sleep

Goodbye