The first day

I never thought I would remember that day, it was a day that blends into the rest, that never happened except in the past.

But, I did, every moment, every sensation, every action, word, and emotion.

That day is burned like a scar into my head, an injury that can never be healed, only treated.

The flood of panic, excitement, and wish to scratch every moment onto my skin to wear forever as a tattoo.

It is only now that it hurts, the wish for it to never have happened burns brightly. The shadow of that day festers as the distance of time goes on, manipulated into a version of itself I do not recognize.

Before it was the warmest day of my life, dancing in my mind and warmed me through and through. All the shock of meeting, no words exchanged at first, only a knowing.

The silence was only for others, while we dnaced in each others minds, playing out all the romance found in all great books, movies, and song. A life lived out in seconds, that expanded across time.

I remember the confidence and calm I first felt, as you brushed past me. The knowledge that something had switched on, turned direction, gears began to spin and interlock, the stars seemed to all fix in on that moment.

And I remember every moment of that day.

But now it’s changed, the moment never lasted past those few months, it fizzled down, becoming cold stone. I tried to reignite it, but it started to fester and rot.

The calm turned to anger, the excitement to dread, and the timelessness shortened. The life lived stopped short.

The memory infected all around it, no remedy could fix it, it blackened everything in its surroundings. Pulled me down and began to consume me.

The anger first gnarled his teeth and scraped his way out, beginning to mould the day into his own. Blaming and yelling.

Next lust, out of desperation drew her long awaited breath, the demanded more, a sling of replacements and encounters to satisfy what was lost that day. Feeding from anger.

Then envy, joined their brother and sister, pushing them to their limit, indulging every thought and deed.

The three swam in the dark pool of the day, melting it down and making it anew. Until it infected all of it, every moment we had, every action I made, until it took me over.

No longer I only a puppet to a distorted memory of wishes and wants never met. A child commanded by three dark animals.

Until today, when I realize that’s all it ever was, the day isn’t moulded, only looked at through a lens of rot. But I was never not looking through a lens, I only changed it. Took the rose and burned it with hot coals.

That day is still here, I just see it for how it is, a day that was remarkable and painful both in and out of time. A stain and blessing on my soul. The see for branches that reached heaven and roots that freeze in hells deepest pit.

A day, that will always change and nurture, teach and scourn, love and torture. But I will never hate that day, only cherish, I will never regret meeting you or me that day.