One Tear Left

I can't anymore,

I'm all out and done.

You've drained me completely,

Down to my last one.

The one tear that's left

For you and your kind.

I shed it while turning

To leave you behind.

Everything's been lost,

We're over, it's through.

You once had a daughter

Who wanted to know you.

Now there's a chasm

Where feelings once lay.

Your denials, your gaslighting,

Chased them away.

There's only so much,

One person can take.

You want me to pretend,

To smile, be fake.

But my soul is broken,

You saw to it, Mum.

The day that you punched me,

When you tried to break my thumb.

You knew no better,

I know that for sure.

I always excused you,

I'll do so no more.

Because all you needed,

To do and to say,

Was tell me you remember,

That it shouldn't have been that way.

Acknowledge the suffering,

Acknowledge the pain.

But all you can do

Is deny and shift blame.

I love you, deep down.

Truly, I do!

But I cannot spend time

With someone like you.

I cannot be gaslit,

I cannot accept

That you won't just say sorry,

Say it's something you regret.

You deny the reality

That causes my pain.

You'd rather pretend

That I'm who's insane.

Than just admitting

That you have done wrong.

I don't need some gesture,

Some poem, or song.

I just need admission,

That you know what you did.

Because you were the parent,

And I was just a fucking kid.

I never deserved

To be beaten and thrown.

My sisters didn't need

To be neglected, alone.

All of us we love you,

even so, even still.

But all of us need you

To swallow a bitter pill.

SAY that you get it

SAY that you know

That hitting a child

Does not help them grow.

SAY that you're different

SAY that you care

SAY that you understand

When my soul is laid bare.

When I stand here saying

That nothing's okay.

I want you to hold me,

Make the memories go away.

Stop fucking denying

That you played your part.

And now each day, I live

With black in my heart.

That can't reconcile

How I hate you so,

And that how much I love you

Can't outstrip what I know.

When I'm in your presence

I feel anger, rage, shame.

I hated myself,

Cause that's where you laid the blame.

You said I was broken,

Aggressive, not right.

But mother, I was wrestling

With terrors in the night.

The ones that you planted

When you both beat me back then.

When I was just a child,

Who needed a parent.