New Year’s Resolutions and Other Lies
Promises Made Under the Influence of January
I'll wake at dawn and greet the sun,
I'll meal prep every day!
I'll finally get those abs I want
By, let's say, mid-May.
I'll read three books a week at least,
Learn Portuguese and Greek,
I'll meditate for hours on end
And only scroll once a week.
I'll drink eight glasses no, make that ten
Of water, pure and clear,
I'll cut out sugar, carbs, and fun,
And beer. (Well, maybe beer.)
I'll organize my closets now,
Marie Kondo every drawer,
I'll thank my socks for sparking joy
Then buy a hundred more.
I'll call my sister every day,
Floss nightly without fail,
I'll learn to cook authentic Thai
(Currently, I make Kraft pale.)
I'll save my money, grow my wealth,
No takeout, just homemade!
But DoorDash knows my address well,
And Uber Eats has got me MADE.
By January 3rd at noon,
My gym shoes gather dust,
That novel's still on chapter one,
My budget? Gone. A bust.
My water bottle's lost somewhere,
My meal prep turned to mold,
Those abs are buried deep beneath
The Christmas cookies I still hold.
But here's the thing about New Year's
There's beauty in the try.
We fail spectacularly each time,
Yet January, we still fly!
So, here's to resolutions grand,
That last 'til Tuesday, tops
At least we're consistently consistent
At watching our ambitions flop!
About the Creator
Tim Carmichael
Tim is an Appalachian poet and cookbook author. He writes about rural life, family, and the places he grew up around. His poetry and essays have appeared in Bloodroot and Coal Dust, his latest book.
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Where's the Glory?
In breaking news, rehabilitated Republican Senator Johnnie Johnson (Pronouns: HE, HIM, HIS) called a press conference from the Men’s room of the New Orleans Louis Armstrong International Airport, Concourse B, across from the Ignatius Reilly’s Lucky Dog stand. The Senator had just returned from a sexual reorientation rehabilitation program in Memphis, TN after being publically disgraced at a Buckee’s Truckstop restroom soliciting sex from an undercover cop three months ago. He is a founding member of the Reformed Christians for Christ, a conservative, pro-family and ex-gay advocacy group. In the spirit of being reborn, Senator Johnson invited reporters to marvel at his plans for a major remodeling of airport bathrooms.
By Cathy Schieffelin4 days ago in Humor
Comments (15)
This was pure fun. It flows so nicely, and jauntily, I actually found myself singing along. Very well done.
Tim, this was a lot of fun, and this line made me smile: "I'll thank my socks for sparking joy, then buy a hundred more." It reminded me of one of my daughters, who is obsessed with socks. Congratulations on your top story and best wishes to you for a very Happy 2026! 😊
So true! This is why I don't make resolutions, but I do make goals.
This was so much fun! It’s so true. That’s why I stopped writing NY’s resolutions. And don’t even bother to call the new year “happy” in advance.
What a fun read! “I'll thank my socks for sparking joy” 😂 😂 👏🏼
💖Tim, I am grinning from ear to ear! Somewhere between the first stanza and the last, I realized I was actually singing these words as I read them. It made me feel quite blithe about all the things I did not accomplish last year.
What? You mean you don’t already do all of that? 🤣I loved this and all your rhyming. Great job!
Lol, very true, at least now, I know I'm not the only one. Thanks
Haha, love this- hella relatable xD
Tc—Your illustration is so terrific showing the pile-ons of food the day before religious fasting begins..Hmm! U’z so Amuse Me..! Jk.in.l.a.
At once realistic, hilarious, and even hopeful - fantastic resolution poem, Tim! :)
Fabulous & fun! Happy New Year Tim! 🥳
For a second I thought you’d found a picture of me on the internet for your cover art 🤣 I second Matthews comment— why you gotta call me out like that!? 🤣
Amen sir it’s all about the Try! (I’m trying not to feel personally attacked for you listing almost all of my goals hahahaha)
Super fun. Love this!