Monster Crawling Under My Skin

There’s something wrong with my skin.

Something that’s caused it to mold,

To blister and boil

As if I were strong enough to burn it away.

Premonitions have plagued my mind

There’s something crawling,

Something lingering within that embodied intuition,

Just beneath the skin

~

Long since have I wondered,

Am I cursed?

Am I damned?

Am I a disturbed and destructive spirit, reincarnated in this life?

Why would these darkened thoughts strike me as a young child?

What was fate twisting and reaching for to share with me?

~

There’s a struggle within me

There’s a monster lingering beneath my skin

I’m so ready to burn it off

Start fresh outside of my caged mind

Where does the darkness end?

Where do I begin?

~

It’s so hard to place words to the thoughts

Words to the emotions

It’s so hard to be alone

And feel so out of control

~

I feel like a monster

Like I’m the nightmare

That the darkness has embraced

This is not going to be where my story ends

I feel it in my bones

I feel it in my heart

Deep down inside is my soul

Broken and repaired over time

As if fate has replayed my story over a few times in her mind’s eye.

~

There’s a deviant lingering inside.

A darkness completely outside of the social norm

Someone with a sexual behavior that is unacceptable

Someone with a desire for pain and pleasure.

Was I born like this?

Was this broken into me?

What is this disgusting response fueled through self-imagery and sexuality?

~

I’m hunting

Trying to find the real me

Trying to understand

That I’m not the trauma that I have experienced

That I’m the beauty to the beast of my hell

~

Maria, veni huc nunc!

I beg for her to save me once more

I beg her to bring her bloodied sword

And destroy the monsters lingering at my door.

~

I feel like I was damned before I had the chance to live.

Hate me!

Love me!

They’ll never find me.

They’ll never change me into the beast that they want me to be.

Deviants, blood suckers, demons

Whoever it is pounding their fists against the door

~

The inferno’s rumbling,

The fires burning beyond recognition,

The child within me is hiding,

Cowering in the closet,

Begging for the peace of a simpler place and time

Time has bruised her skin

Words have ripped scars into her flesh

Ropes have burned her hands until she’s sobbing to ease the pain

Imposters have turned her

Hellions have changed her

Into a monster