Mommy Issues

Mommy Issues

Dear Mama

You have many identities

I have come to known

Over these twenty-some years

You are a super mom of three

Your first son from your first husband

Your only daughter and youngest son from your second husband

You have raised them alone during many months of deployment

You are a pianist that no longer plays the piano

A cook, a baker, a painter, a former sales associate

You like to shop

You like to have your hair done, but not your nails

You never leave the house without a coordinating outfit and a face of makeup

Dear Mama

You have this magical ability to make random grocery store workers your new friends

You are familiar to strangers, you crack jokes as if you know them

You have always seemed happier outside of the house

Away from people that are your family members

Clearly, we cannot be in the same category as these strangers

A man you’ve known for over two decades

Children you gave birth to

Somehow, we are not in the same category.

No, we get yet another facet of your identity.

One that I struggle to hate yet one I cannot love

One that brings me close to you, close enough to have you confide in me

But one that pushes me away into a void I blame for my overly independent nature

A side of you that has you cut up my favorite fruits at midnight because of my snacking habits

But a side that forces me to hide during the day through naps

Dear Mama

Will today be a nice girl’s day out of the house?

Or will it end terribly with words that are forever etched in my memory

“You are such a bitch”

“You don’t deserve this honor and distinction”

“I regret having a daughter”

“I wish you were never born”

Today you have bought me clothes that I have been eyeing for a while

Another day you send me a package of goods I have left at home, coupled with a little extra goodies

The other day you took care of my wounds from my surgeries

On a different day you make my favorite Japanese dish

Dear Mama

Do they know that you are a rollercoaster?

I don’t like riding rollercoasters.