MENTAL ILLNESS

An inky blackness drips over my mind

It doesn’t drop as much as it latches on

Snuffing out the voice of reason

The voice of logic

My voice

Its grip is so strong that I’ve no choice but to succumb to it

Though I know it is slowly killing me

For who can resist such power?

Such strength?

Such darkness?

It’s a foreign substance in my mind

I can feel the contrast from the truth

But I’m slowly calling it my own

For its voice is hard to resist

I’m drawn to it though I know I shouldn’t be

Did I choose this?

Did I welcome it in?

Or did its oily fingers choose my mind to be its playground?

Its slippery fingers latch onto my thoughts

Distorting them

Distorting my future

Making me believe things that aren’t true

I’m blind to it yet fully aware

Unable to do anything about it

It takes my mind in any direction it wishes

Willingly I go

Too scared to go in the direction I want

Too convinced that it is right

For it knows best

Doesn’t it?

As it takes me back and forth it tells me it is protecting me

Preparing me

For the worst

But it is the worst isn’t it?

Can it protect me from itself?

Still I follow blindly along

Lost in its grip

Living in the worst

It doesn’t just have a home in my mind it has a home in my heart

Its darkness oozed down there some time ago

Who knew that it could whisper lies to your heart?

It goes after you deepest desire

Injects fear

It goes after who you are

Stealing away your identity

Replacing it with a void

A nothingness

“You are nothing,” it says

I believe it

For it knows me

Doesn’t it?

After all it grew up with me

It feels so right

So I disconnect from myself

The emptiness washing over me

A dark numbness settling in

I’ve forgotten who I am

It tells me what to eat

Its sweet dark whisper tells me what I’m allowed to eat

Don’t disobey

The repercussions are endless

I spend my energy keeping it from anger

Always on my toes

One step ahead

For it turns without a moment’s notice

The floodgates of darkness open

I must keep it at bay

So I eat only what I’m allowed

The rules keep it in check

Have I lost my mind?

Yes

I’ve lost it to a monster that tells me what to eat

A simple pleasure, stolen

A basic necessity, poison

What is meant to sustain is slowly being used to destroy me

It talks to me about my future

“Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless,” it whispers

I believe it

Its slender fingers twist my imagination

My beautiful imagination

Innocence lost

Creativity has it’s downsides

Its funny how you can be so sure of something that hasn’t happened

So sure of the impending doom

So ready to escape the future you mind’s created

How does it do it?

How does it blind me?

I had dreams once

Until the darkness crept in and stole them

Painted over them with black

Now everything’s tainted

Like seeing through a dark veil

Can I get my innocence back?

Can I get back what was stolen?

Hope was lost

But somewhere, somehow, there’s a muffled voice inside of me whispering, “live”