Lost Sparks

Can I skip forward? To the part where I have everything together.

To the part where I am no longer lost.

To when I am no longer stressed?

I’m tired and I’m lost.

I’m wondering. Looking for new but not finding anything.

I hit sparks every now and then.

A thought comes and lifts me for a moment then disappears.

Negative intrusive thoughts get the best of me.

Thoughts like, What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want?

And a spark!

I know exactly what I want!

But I can’t. I don’t have enough money. There’s no way my car can make it that far.

I’m going to run out of time.

And as it quickly as it comes, it’s lost once again.

Lost, huh?

The definition of lost is unable to find one's way or not knowing one's whereabouts.

I am lost..

I don’t know where I am or where I am going...

I am by definition, lost.. In life.

Where do I go from here, what should I expect to happen?

I’m trying so hard, to take control.

For when I am in darkness, all I have is hope.

Living for the next spark.

Sparks of happiness

Sparks of joy

Sparks of love

Sparks of purpose

Amongst all the darkness, I am brought these things in sparks.

For a second I see it, I see the light!

For a second, I am filled with happiness, joy, love and purpose.

And as quickly as it comes, it goes, I am once again consumed by darkness.

But the darkness isn’t just a flicker, the darkness likes to stay for awhile.

He drags me down, says lets have a drink to numb, not just for fun.

Lets sit and watch the traffic go by to numb, not for fun anymore.

Nothing is for fun anymore.

Just waiting for that next spark.

Hoping that the next spark, begins a flame.

Hoping that a flame grows into a fire and that fire grows so large, it is mistaken for the sun.

Because I am ready to begin something new.

I am ready to live amongst the flame.

To live in the light of hope, happiness, joy and love.

To find purpose.

And to no longer let the darkness consume me.

To have fun again.

But I am lost.

For what to do, I do not know.

I am out of answers. I am out of ideas.