look

i am sad

because i want to

look

like a heroin chick

from the movies

even if

i don’t shoot drugs

into my veins

or act on anything -

ever.

my skin is rather

ordinary,

i can even pinch it

between my fingers.

i can sometimes

count my ribs

if i starve

for long enough

so that everyone can

want me

while i do not

want myself.

my hair is not shiny

like it is supposed to be -

usually a messy knot

of tangles

i am too tired

to undo.

i do not take

pictures of myself.

i am not a porcelain doll

that you can sit down

and say smile.

maybe one day

i will look

in the mirror

and see my

humanity

that shines brighter

than spray tan

and a million lipstick kisses.