Like a Magic Trick

Someone once said -

my energy matches that of a football stadium

it’s loud

and big

and contagious

a bright spot in any room

I have also been told

I feel like sunshine

the sun is p u r e p o w e r

when she wants to, she has the ability to overtake the entire sky

we’re used to her warmth;

we expect it

when she stops shining we’re disappointed

but

to shine all the time is a lot to ask

of anyone

and despite her power to light the world

the truth is –

the sun

is really just a star

and not even the brightest one at that

she only looks like it because of her distance from Earth

from a distance

and most of the time

I do feel like sunshine

…but not always

when my sun

collapses in on herself

the power my darker energy carries will stop you

in the same way as a thunderstorm

I have lightning bolts you can’t unsee

thunder

that will puncture your soul if I let it roar

and while I do my best to conceal this part of myself from the world

you

will

feel

it.

when my light

is dim and distant

you can’t help but notice its absence

like a flame flickering

so low and close to the wick

you aren’t sure when

or even if -

it’ll catch fire

but make no mistake:

dim, does not mean absent

people closest to me know this

they know my energy ebs and flows

when it ebs, I’m out of touch –

with them

and with myself

I avoid things

and people

I shut down

I disappear into myself

where do I go? I couldn’t tell you

and I wouldn’t take you there

even if you asked

it’s dark

heavy

complex

sometimes even I

can’t see a way out

I have come to embrace it

for I have learned

there’s magic in darkness, too

there are openings:

for revelations

for passion

for a whole new capacity

of love

fearlessness

connection

and strength

when my flame catches fire again – she’s magnetic

it’s not enough that you feel my light from me

I need to feel it

from you

the second I meet you I am determined

to bring your light out of you

I won’t ask you what line of work you’re in

my first questions will be:

what lights you up?

what are you passionate about?

I want to know what makes your flame dance?

when my flame is high –

she’s a wild ribbon dance FULL of colors flying around inside me!

I want everyone to watch the show –

to see her and experience her

for themselves

I want to keep that fire in you burning the entire time we’re together

I want HIGH energy

foot heavy on the gas,

coasting to the best songs –

loud!

I want your secrets

spilled to me over hot tea while you’re looking me in the eye

if we go out to lunch, I will warn you

I have a hard time deciding

I may choose two dishes and ask the waitress to surprise me

I’d love nothing more

than to make you the perfect bite!

I love crunchy French fries

I’ll dip one end in ketchup and the other in ranch

I’ll likely get more than two sauces

in the morning,

I want coffee and a smoothie

I want a sad song

followed by one that makes me want to explode out of my bones

I want the windows down with the heater blasting

my hair is black and it’s blonde

I don’t like making decisions because I want both

I want it all!

I’ll ask your opinion ad nauseam – genuinely hear it –

and rarely take it

I’ll never let you tell me what to do.

I want to hear your favorite quote

and your best story

I wanna know something you’ve never told anyone

but me

I want a candid picture of us captured in a Polaroid or photo strip because

I love anything that mirrors another era

at some point I will write you the most heartfelt,

handwritten card you’ve ever received because I still believe

in pen

to paper

love

I want you to show me what you consider to be

the most magical place

in the Universe

I’ll ask you your favorite word

your favorite smell

if you can’t sleep,

we’ll bake blueberry pancakes in the middle of the night

or

I’ll take you on a wild adventure

I promise

I’ll make it unforgettable

I want to soak up every ounce

of your energy

learn your story

memorize your micro-expressions

laugh until our stomachs turn

I want to know what you wanted to be when you were little

and why you aren’t that now

I’ll remind you

that it is never

too

late

I’ll take you to my favorite rooftop

three times

once – to welcome you with the warmest hug

in front of the most spectacular view

once – to watch your dreams float

above the tallest skyscrapers in Manhattan –

to remind you that the world is just as much yours

as it is anyone else’s

and once –

to say goodbye

when we part,

I’ll forget about you

long

before you forget about me

I like to be your e v e r y t h i n g

and then -

nothing at all

like a magic trick

there are parts of me

I will never show you

I like it that way

no one ever

forgets

an enigma