Last Bus To Wigan

Last Bus to Wigan

I got on the bus with a pie and no plan

The driver just nodded and called me “our Jan”

Though my name isn’t Jan and it never has been

He winked, so I smiled and pretended to grin

A lad with a ferret sat down by the bell

He said it was trained but I couldn’t quite tell

It climbed up my leg and it sniffed at my tea

He said, “She likes strangers, especially me”

We rattled through Leigh to Bolton,

Hot with the windows half stuck

A pensioner shouted, “Where’s stop twenty-three?”

The driver joined in with a karaoke

And half of the bus shouted, “Turn that off, Ron!”

Two goths with a pushchair were arguing loud

One nicked the last Rolo, denied it out loud

They found it stuck fast to the back of her leg

She peeled it off slow and offered the ferret

Then one of them sneezed and her lashes fell off

So the baby just pointed and let out a cough

Then gave a small burp and announced, “That was mine”

The nun crossed herself and said, “Lord, give me wine”

The seats were all sticky, the lights were all dim

And someone had drawn round the edge of the bin,

With lipstick that said “Take me Bolton or bust”

So I licked my last crisp and I blew off the dust

We rolled into town with a squeak and a clatter

The nun gave a cheer and the goths had a natter

The ferret leapt out and the driver said, “Cheers!”

Then stalled it and shouted, “We’re all volunteers!”

Then guess what — I went to the pub for one more

Missed my last bus,

now I’m stuck by the closed pub door.

No cash, no coat, and no signal in sight

So I’m walking to Wigan, I might get there by dawn.

Tell ya what though lol it was a grand day and evening out lol