laced

~

i swam the depths of amber glass

oceans of desire pulling me under

caressed by waves of whiskey and malt;

i stroked your ego with my drunken mouth

high on promises that filled my lungs

no more space for air as i drowned in you

.

but your love became a settled stone–unmovable–

pressing on my chest when you knew i desperately

needed to breathe...

and yet still you placed that heavy yoke of selfishness

on my shoulders, a toxic mantle

sinking me to the lowest lows instead

of becoming the buoy that would set me free

i think you liked me blue and bloated

i think you loved me full proof

blood laced with the high of your euphoria,

my fingers clawing for purchase in silt and grain,

dregs of battered self-esteem set adrift becoming

sediment in your cut-glass life

.

you were my vice

my addiction

killing me slowly with your poison

until i became a master at lying on

your wasted seabed

rye and salt rusting my imprisonment

as i begged to be pulled deeper

into your abyss...

.

but you cut me loose from my moorings

cruel. sudden. ruthless.

the alcohol set fire to my lungs

while i drifted beneath seas of churning foam

brine saturated in despair,

hope anesthetized

half in the living

half in the after

bleeding in dilution

as i was drawn into a riptide of grief

.

it took too long for me to finally notice the scratch and bite

of sandy shores

too long for me to remember how to breathe above the surf

retching and gasping

feeling the weight of my own self

heavy on land yet somehow l i g h t e r without you

.

i smell the hint of alcohol on the wind's sigh

before it's swallowed whole by intoxicating sunshine

i feel i've been away for eons

a stranger to this place

my lungs ache, my bones are dense

but i stretch my pallid skin

arms raised as billowing sails

turn my head toward the heat of the sun

and with upturned face,

i smile and let go