Kindergarten Glue Addiction

I would like to take a moment to discuss something serious: Kindergarten Glue Addiction.

It is a very real problem with literally dozens reported cases.

I myself used to eat glue as a child. I was held captive by the “sticky icky”.

Not the white Elmer’s stuff though. That’s peasant paste. You need the golden liquid one that looks like honey. The one in the mini Miss Buttersworth bottle with the rubber nipple on it. Mmmmm. That’s cognac glue.

All the kids were doing it so I started using socially during craft corner mostly. Pretty soon I couldn’t relax at nap time without a few licks.

I’d tell myself it was natural. Like it’s made from real horses...

But it’s not like it’s FDA approved.

It became a real problem. I always had dirt and construction paper stuck to my fingers.

Pretty soon I was trading my lunch money for even a twist of the tube stick. That stuff that looks like fat white chapstick.

The first time a girl kissed me our lips got stuck together. They had to pry us apart. Her lips were chapped for months… ironically she developed a chapstick eating addiction.

I still feel bad about that.

I really thought I could stop anytime I wanted to but the cravings got strong. I’d try to dry out on the weekends so I would switch to drinking.

But Juicy Juice just doesn’t have that kick.

I knew I hit rock bottom when I could no longer get a gold star to save my life! They would have to put me in the time out corner.

But then I’d peel and lick the wallpaper.

Things finally started turning around for me when my guidance counselor sent me home with a pamphlet for my parents. I couldn’t read at the time but they told me it said something like:

“So your kids a craft head… how to kick the goo goo juice.”

I finally got off the paste but to this day I get triggered in the Target back-to-school aisle.

Writers note:

This is a bit I wrote today for my standup comedy. I’m not making fun of people with addiction. I struggle with it myself and this is based on true events from my childhood. I have been sober for 4 months and I use comedy as a creative outlet. It has helped me to remain sober and bring awareness to the recovery community. I try to help people see that sobriety can be positive and funny and not a total drag.