Just To Go On Vacation

Eighteen pairs of underwear for only seven days? Do I really need all these? What, do I plan on having an accident in my pants twice a day, every day? I can leave some of these behind… on second thought… better to be safe than sorry. Throw them all back in. Shorts, long pants, sweaters, tank tops - never know what the weather might be like. After all, it could still snow in the middle of summer, right? WHY WILL THIS DUFFLE BAG NOT CLOSE!?!? Please zipper, please don’t break…

Ugh, can’t you wear another shirt? Why do you need this one? I just finished laundry yesterday. I don’t want to start an emergency load for some stupid favorite shirt. Go pick another one. Stop it. Oh, stop it. You’re too old to start crying. Fine, fine, give it here. Anybody else got stuff to wash? Might as well ask now while I still have time, while I still have my sanity. Although that is quickly going.

I know the neighbor said she’d come and feed Moose. She’s fed him before, many times, but I probably should write down directions anyway. Half of a can of food twice a day and a scoop of kibbles for overnight. Fresh water every day. DO NOT OVERFEED! Big bold letters so she can see it. This is useless. She's going to overfeed him anyway. But what does it matter? The cat is already the size of a ballistic warhead. How much fatter can he get?

What do you mean you can’t find your hiking boots? They’re in the closet with all your other shoes. I just saw them last week. Did you even look? No, probably not. Just go look. You’ll find them. Honestly, sometimes you’re as bad as the kids. Why am I the only person in this house who knows where anything is?

God, I’m really going to need your help right now. There is not one more inch of room in this minivan and I STILL have to cram stuff in here. I guess I could tie more things to the roof. But how much more can the roof take? It already has bikes…folding lawn chairs… fishing rods… Perhaps we can pile the kids up there too and they can just hang on for dear life.

NO, absolutely not! You CANNOT bring any more electronic devices. We are going camping for crying out loud! The idea is to get away from those things. We’re going to get outdoors and enjoy nature - go hiking, go fishing, go beach-combing. Put it back in the house. Why? WHY?!?! - BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO!!!!

Why is it that the dog is the easiest person to pack in this family? Hmm? Food, a bed, a leash, and a few toys to play fetch with. I don’t hear any complaining or excuses out of her. She’s always happy. She loves me. She doesn’t give me attitude. She’s my favorite child. There, I admitted it. I like the dog more than I like my own children.

I need to sleep. Please, brain, just shut yourself down. We’ve got to be up early tomorrow to get on the road. I really need the rest. Lord, why? Why does he snore so loud? It’s like having a foghorn go off next to me. Maybe I should just go sleep on the couch.

And this is why I make HIM go sleep on the couch when we have a fight. It’s like a rock - so uncomfortable. I’m never going to fall asleep. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. All of this? All of this work? Just to go on vacation? And I thought vacations were supposed to be relaxing.