Just in Pain

Someone wrote

“you don’t want to die, you’re just in pain.”

But imagine,

Being in so much pain death is the pain killer.

Just in pain.

I didn’t cut my finger,

I cut my Self

My understanding, my confidence, my memories

My ability, my self-respect, me.

That sort of pain that you blame

Yourself for is not just pain.

It’s a corrosive disease caused by a pinpoint in time

That weaves through every part of your mind

Until there is nothing but a shell

Because you slip away

You become afraid

Of feeling just pain again.

And then when you do

You want to die.

Because you’ve had enough

And yeah, they say “well life’s tough”

But I’ve had my fill

How do you stop what you can’t see?

All the bad things

I’m guilty

And ashamed

Of how I played with my life like some game

I put it at risk

Regardless of the past

Those promises to myself well they didn’t last.

Letting yourself down is amongst the hardest pills to swallow.

And now I’m pulling away

What can I say?

To you as we sit around with an elephant in the room

It’s not just pain

Because no matter how hard I try

There are no words in my vocabulary to describe

This pain.

I don’t want to die

(A lie)

I’m just in pain

(An understatement)

When I say it

Listen

Because how much pain must I be in if death is the painkiller.