Jonas's Song

This is how legends are made

Not with a boom, but with a poof

One minute, quietly sitting in the shade

The next thing, ooph

Slapped in the face with history

Spiraling out of control

It’s not a hidden mystery

Blindly playing a role

Getting up every single day

All while busy with a game of what-if

But there are no rules to play

Just Fate, busily weaving a myth

Jonas couldn’t believe his luck

A flat tire on the front of his sports car

Just when he was down to his last buck

His cell phone barely showed one bar

Before he begins changing the spare

He decides to stand by the road to piss

Breathing in the cool, damp night air

He witnesses a sight he can’t miss

For off to his right

A rustling sound draws his eyes

To a roiling, pulsing sight

A black nothingness, growing in size

Swearing, he felt a sweltering wind

As he watched the hole grow larger

Feeling his hair stand on end

While the alarm went off on his Charger

The hungry void, absorbing the night

Quickly eating up without a trace

Anything that was touched by the light

Making Jonas’s speeding heart race

Unaware of the piss on his shoe

He turns and jumps back behind the wheel

Not thinking about what he was going to do

Chancing the drive to Humansville

Driving as fast as his Dodge would limp

Jonas soon outsped the pulsating black mass

He began to wonder if maybe he was a wimp

Telling what he saw, they’d call him an ass

Perhaps it’d be best if he went home to his cat

Maybe even play a game or two of online Poker

Jonas tried to adjust his missing hat

He hated being seen as the town joker

Against his better judgment

Letting his hard-won sobriety slip

He stopped at a local liquor establishment

While drinking at the bar, he nibbled on chips and dip

Wiping his eyes and blowing the snot from his nose

Jonas debated on what he should do next

Tossing back a shot of whiskey, he rose

Slapping the bar, people looked at him, perplexed

Standing, he opened his mouth to speak

He began at the beginning, and continued to the now

He even mentioned stopping long enough to take a leak

They started laughing at him when he paused to wipe his brow

Jonas was heckled and the crowd threw things at him

The bartender just shook his head and told him he was cut off

Everyone grew hushed when the wall opened behind Dae Kim

The screaming only began when the void swallowed the old man Hoff

Out of the swirling void, a dark figure emerged

As one, the bar’s denizens rushed for the doors

With a flash, the bar’s lights surged

Freaked out people stampeding to go outdoors

The dark figure raised his head and waved his hand

All the glass behind the bar shattered

The stranger brought with him the stench of sulfur and hot sand

Jonas stood motionless; he’d forgotten what mattered

Stuck in a room full of folks scared shitless

There was no way out, nowhere to run

Tattoos blazing, the demonic figure stood shirtless

Jonas knew this guy didn’t come to have fun

With a loud booming voice, the creature spoke

It talked at length about the path it had took

Pausing to light a pipe, the dark one drew a toke

Then he laughed out until the ground shook

When the shadowy man said he came for the one named Jonas

The crowd let out a gasp and looked around at each other

Jonas tried to shrink away, feeling like a conspicuous ass

All around, people looking about, nudging one another

Jonas ducked down behind the bar’s counter

He hoped no one seen him when he hid out of sight

While he prayed for an end to this encounter

Jonas closed his bespectacled eyes really tight

The dark tattooed stranger paced the floor

Roaring and bellowing, for Jonas to be brought out

Someone tried to open the bright red fire door

Only to be hit in the head by a singing Travis the Trout

Flinging his arm, the strange one rocked the jukebox

The neon lights sizzled and surged

A weird noise arose from the mechanical ox

The monster walked towards the crowd, and they diverged

“Bring Jonas to me, or you will all die.”

The evil creature shouted for all to hear

Jonas knew he didn’t have long, not everyone would lie

He pissed his pants in his extreme fear

The shadowy man spoke, “I have such a thirst.”

Jonas was so nervous that he farted

The tattooed demon continued, “You first.”

Jonas heard a thud, then the wailing started

“Who’s next?” the evil stranger demanded

Jonas could hear everyone shrink away

“Come out and face me, Jonas,” the creature commanded

Jonas could feel his body starting to sway

Sitting up, Jonas peeked over the countertop

What he saw made his heart skip a beat

The strange one walked up to the bar and came to a stop

Picking up an eye, he popped it into his mouth and took a seat

Pointing at Marilyn, the dark visitor said, “You’re not him!”

And boom, she fell to the floor with a clattering thud.

He then proceeded to do the same with Dave, Sara, and Jim

Soon, the barroom floor was covered in blood

“I’ll do this all night,” The monstrous man swore

“Send Jonas out, and all this stops,” and as he spoke, Brooke fell

Jonas had to think; there was so much gore

It was hard to concentrate; he could hear the tolling of a bell

When the demonic being pointed to Molly Ann

Roaring, “I’ve lost patience! Bring me Jonas!”

Just as a flash of light erupted from his tattooed hand

Jonas jumped over the bar and hollered, “I’m here, you ass!"

The shadowy man turned about, smiling wide

“About time you came out, chicken shit,” Jonas was mocked

Standing tall, but quaking with fear inside

Jonas ran at the invader half-cocked

The mysterious man threw up his tattooed arm

Knocking everyone down with an electric shockwave

Jonas puked in terror; he was filled with alarm

He wished he could hide; he wasn’t feeling so brave

Watching as Molly Ann seized to the floor

Jonas shivered; he had to do something to save her

In his ears, he heard a pounding roar

As the stranger laughed, the room started to blur

Looking around, hoping to see a way out of this mess

Jonas couldn’t see any openings for an escape

Preparing to throw more bolts, the evil one stood in readiness

Then Jonas saw something that might help him out of this scrape

Faking a left, but lunging right

Jonas snapped up Marilyn’s serving tray

He held it up like a shield, nice and tight

Advancing, Jonas blocked each fatal ray

Taking the platter and slamming the monster in the throat

Jonas stumbled and fell forward, bumping his nemesis

Falling to his knees, he heard his enemy gloat

Jonas had nothing but thoughts of avenging the death of his sis

Jonas shoved with all his might

The evil one fell backwards into the swirling void

Jonas scrambled upright

Everyone was overjoyed

Suddenly, a hand shot out of the roiling, pulsating mass

And grabbed Jonas by his collar, dragging him nearer

Quickly, the hole closed, leaving only Jonas’s ass

Which makes this story even queerer

Since his ass stands there today

In the middle of Cowboy Slim’s Watering Hole

For all the world to see, how Jonas saved the day

On display, perfectly whole