Insecurely Secure

06.24.2019

What the fuck is insecurity ?!

This hole in me , I feel constantly .

The things I aspire to try ,

are washed and hung out to dry by ,

this unseen impurity or impurities--

they encroach my mind ,

like roaches --here to remind me

of the filth I've left behind.

Finding one makes it easier to find the next .

Vexed at the self placed hex ,

I approach the darkness --hindsight is 20-20

but I'm not looking back . Close my eyes .

Blind to the path before me .

Hoping to unwind how this world has defined me .

In this darkness , I'll find this insecurity assigned to me .

This blasphemy ! --makes me want to squash these bugs like paninis .

Insecurities skitter across my thoughts ,

connecting all the wrong dots ,

distorting my vision of me --mocking the goddess I see .

When my reflection is mirrored to me .

Confined to my mind --I mind the business I designed .

Finding that I've allowed people to leave their trash in my treasure ,

because they could never measure up to the titan I created of myself as a teen .

Fucked up childhood left me unclean --

people are so obscene ,

choked up on dopamine from being mean .

Throwing dirt to divert their attention from going inward .

Bitch . . BITCH !

You feeling overweight doesn't make me look so skinny that I don't eat .

The same way , me feeling sexy as fuck skinny ,

doesn't make you any less beautiful big .

So dig bitch ,

dig real fucking deep in your own darkness .

And fuck squashing --that was me being nice to the thoughts --people --places and things ,

that gave me all the wrong advice --

led me to the next vice ,

to slice and dice my self-worth .

Put a price on my cave of wonders and made me wonder whether or not I even deserved paradise .

I'm hulk smashing these illusions causing all this fucking confusion .

Cleaning up the messes from all the intrusions ,

and stopping myself from jumping to all the wrong conclusions .

My mind has been dark for a while now --so I couldn't see the filth building in me .

Insecurity after insecurity --has ultimately led to my maturity .

Now watch and see --how fast I grow before thee .

All insecurities feel bigger in the dark --in the fucking filth --

but watch them scatter like the roaches they are when you find your light inside .

Believe me . .

I've fucking cried .

My family left me outside .

Friends left my side .

Employers have replied :

Happy you applied --but your gifts must be left on the curbside ,

so we can take your soul on this unjoyful joyride .

Fighting my pride to let the universe be my guide ,

because old Tiye has died .

Insecurities have tried to rule and led to my mental suicide ,

and I'm not fucking satisfied .

Positive affirmations are the germicides disinfecting my soul .

So , yes bitch --I'm spiritual .

Any negative energy and/or insecurity will be denied .

My verbal homicide will leave you mortified ,

because my spiritual attack left you petrified .

No insecurities left to divide me from my intuition .

My mind is my space with no Tom .

My life is the 151st Psalm .

I'm the creator of my destiny --cause I'm my own mom --

I'm a walking ticking time bomb bitch --

cause I'm about to blow the fuck up .

I can feel it in the air like I'm 21 Savage .

So , you scavenge those old holes in me if you want to .

I'm the magician , busy manifesting the greatest me this world will ever see .

Fuck insecurity .

That bug is dead to me .