Independence

When all the dust settled on our Pride Parade

Black and women’s communities shut the door

On too many paltry options available at the time

With happily acquired rights in the south and the right to vote

*

I sat down in my regular chair in my spacious living room

Reflecting on the inevitability of living among too many cultures

An attempt to reconcile the fact of community

Where there is none, only contradictory issues

*

They arise from time to time

After a bouquet of flowers was thrown at the scene

To cover cowering characters forcing their arguments

Throwing stones at each other

*

As for me, I’ve always craved for independence

First from my parents, their home, and then

To do everything on my own

Starting with shopping, cooking, washing dishes, cleaning chores

*

Earning money and spending it on me

It made sense, after all

When I realised that others had a lot of guts

To use my kindness for their masked criminal purpose

*

And when their needs emerged on the scene

They have to let the smell of weed evaporate from their den-apartment

Where parties are going on and on, every night

For God knows what, if not the lowest, principle

*

I am lonely in my abode, no one ever comes to visit

Only torturers from the past and a few new ones on the way

All my life, my real name has never been something I could identify with

For my writing life, I came up with a pseudonym to express myself better

*

I’m working on my future with a voice I’ve never heard of

It is mine or not? I do not know

It comes from within me, but

I don’t fully recognise it yet

*

So maybe someone lives in my skin?

Ghost, monster, devil, angel?

I have been alone since I was born

This is the reason why I have never been able to remember

*

My mum’s voice became the TV noise

Watching adult films on my own

Nobody knew, home alone, exposed to improper things

I learned about them from a careful observer seat

*

I never wanted to try EVERYTHING

As always, my first steps were guiding me

To theoretical knowledge, pros and cons

Of every human activity

*

That was probably the reason I never dared to try

The fullest of drugs, sex, rock’n’roll life

One old gentleman once mentioned on a train

That he would like to use drugs, I told myself to stay away

*

However, the inability to immerse wholly did not mean

That I don’t know anything about these things

Crime, violence, violation, abuse and harsh judgment

They have been going hand in hand with me all my life

*

The same family that raised me

Is causing my panic attacks now

Muted calls on the other end of the line

What am I supposed to do with all of this now?

*

There is no one to turn to, all doors are shut

All the walls became transparent, albeit with mixed feelings

I see injustice, betrayal, narcissistic abuse on the boil

Galvanised, borborygmi after ganache prepared on an empty stomach

*

I have to stay inside, away from it

I can’t take it anymore; I feel like I’m going to explode soon

From all that crap tightening my throat

Trying to get rid of my independence for good

*

I will not allow it, I will fight this

Ignominy hurled out at me

Running in my own blood

Until my last day on earth finally comes

*

Independence will remain in my blood

As I never identified myself with any of my kin

Living as much as possible in the wild

To do not soak my own fingers in crime

*

I will mete out punishment from eternal heaven

When my soul finally finds a safe haven

To never forget that to live your life

You must always be on good terms with your own self

***

Thank you for reading!