I want to cry. but can't.

Amazing Paul. That's it.

I felt this so deeply. It took me ten years to let the tears loose when my Aunt Sis died. I think I believed if I didn't cry, then she wouldn't really be gone.

This is so beautifully sad, Paul 💔

As a person who cries super easily, I cannot relate to this but I can understand how difficult it must be to not be able to express all those emotions through tears. Sending you lots of love and hugs Sir Paul 🥺❤️

Sounds like those whom you have loved and lost have not truly left you. I find strange comfort in that in my own life. When my father passed away it was still early, the sun a couple hours away from peaking over the horizon. After my brother called and broke the news, I did not expect to sleep again. But after lying in bed for an hour or so staring tearlessly and numbly at the ceiling in the dark, I unexpectedly fell asleep. In my dream, I stood in a room with the most important women in my life. My wife and daughter, my sister, and my precious Grandy (dad's mom) already dead almost 25 years. A knock came at the door, and I opened it, and my Grandma (mom's mom - dead 35 years) and aunt (mom's sister) came into the room. I took my Grandma in my arms and blubbered that my dad had died and began to weep. Then I woke up. I still dream about both grandmothers (especially Grandy) regularly. And I likely always will. I dream about my dad almost weekly. Ironically, he is in his 40s in my dreams, my children's age, and I'm 20 years older than he is. The people we love and emulate live on in us. I felt that deeply in your beautiful poem, Paul. Your poem about not crying made me cry. Thank you for sharing that piece of yourself.

I’m so sorry Paul, and Ruth. Thinking of you both and sending love xx

We are all crying now ....

So heartbreaking. As Hannah said anticipatory grief is so difficult to experience. Goodbyes are hard even when you know they’re coming

Heartwrenching work, Paul.

The devastation is on the page even as your tears fails to find the edges of your face (see what I did there?). Please accept my condolences. Writing hopefully helps, but there is nothing like a good ugly cry.

So glad you have happy memories of your Nonna and Uncle Claudio… thinking of and praying for you all at this difficult time.

Beautiful and empathy-evoking. Yes...

We are here for you, Paul... ❤️

Writing is probably the next best thing. If I'm reading this correctly, you are waiting, and that is incredibly hard. All the support we can give from our house, my friend.

Anticipatory grief, that waiting for someone to go, when they are already gone, is emotionally so so very hard. You have captured it well, but that's hardly the point. Thinking of you.

Just to let you all know, Paul's uncle has been fighting a cancerous brain tumor for the past couple of years. Sadly he has slipped into a coma and is receiving palliative care now. We are just waiting for the news. He was/is a beautiful kind and generous man; funny and talented. It's actually monstrously unfair to Uncle and all the family. We are all feeling the grief at the moment. Thank you all for the good thoughts.

Hugs.

You have made her pastina immortal, but this is a tribute of a different kind, which is just as powerful and significant. Who among us would not wish to be so fondly remembered?

Hugs, Paul. I know how it feels to need to cry and can't.

Can we organise a crying group like those laughing groups you see on TV.. Maybe that’ll help. It might work. I wonder what your grandma asked or if it was just something random? Anyhow this is really relatable.. not for me right now. I think I cry more these days than piss if I’m being honest!! 😅😔 but there was a long duration of my life when no tear would fall. I think we are made up differently and when you spoke of your nonna I’d assumed it was significantly autobiographic.. but I’d been told that certain meds can suppress our emotions ?? I don’t know how you feel about that or if it’s even worth mentioning but that is what my g.p said many years ago. Interesting I thought. Anyhow, thinking of ya and very much liked the tone and honesty of your free verse poem Paul! ☺️👏