I Walk Home Alone

I walk home alone

Past the buzzing street light dimmed through use.

Whose light exposes the massive contrast between the dark

And the solace of light.

My muscles sore from a long day of obedience

And wrestling with my post pubescent strength against disappointed

Students. I lug my bag laden with books of varying weight,

Yet I feel no pain.

I stare at the dull concrete, in my head.

Idly thinking about heroic acts of jumping in the line of fire

Against criminals, threatening loved ones or strangers.

Getting bit in a zombie apocalypse and blowing myself up with my new kind.

Sacrificing myself for the greater good.

I have always felt destined for some form of greatness.

I walk down this rutt, past the dilapidated

Street lamp. Thinking about my destined “greatness.”

Soon my days are spent inside

My thought palace, considering the thoughts once reserved for my lonesome

Walk home.

And inside I stay. Hearing of depression,

Self harm, and suicide.

That’s not me.

With a fist to my skull

Any consideration of such insanities

Are cleared. I walk

Away from help reserved for the truly ill.

My routine variance to my daily thinking

Discovers a voice which resonates, piercing

My dark veil.

“It is not normal to think of constantly killing yourself.

Everyone fantasizes about it once in a while,

But it is a problem when you think about it everyday.”

I think nothing

Of it. I lug my heavy bag to wrestling. Numb

To any pain

Inflicted on me. A resemblance of pride.

I walk home alone.

Mind buzzing of the words in my dimmed memory.

I stop.

I stand under the street light.

Looking above

Me, a hot realization washes over me.

Followed by fear.

As I continue my walk, my thoughts turn to saving

Not helpless civilians. But that I wished

To sacrifice. My life.

My barren landscape removed memories

Of where the light voice entered into the rutt of everyday.

Or my escape

From a poisoned mind.

All that persists is the vast contrast

Between then and now. Where my internal thoughts are awareness.

Examining.

Walking down a dark path to stand under the buzzing street light

And thinking.