I saw you

I saw you tonight, thought I wouldn't care. How wrong I was. I saw you tonight and it all rushed back. I should have known better, I wasn't ready. I still care, I still hurt, I still love you and miss you like crazy. Each day I think it's getting easier, that I'm letting go. Turns out it's just easier because I don't have to see you. I saw you tonight and broke down. My happiness of the day washed away in an instant. Maybe I wasn't happy? Maybe it was all a mask. A brave face to get through the day and act like I'm strong so no one see's me cry. I saw you tonight and it faulted; shattered in an instant. I saw you tonight and my heart screamed out in agony. It still longs for you...I still long for you...

I saw you tonight and my resolve staggered, crumbling away with each passing second. Those crumbs turned to bricks, slamming into me like a sledge hammer. The heart ached, the eyes watered, the false wall vanished. I saw you tonight and fell. I couldn't stand there, I thought it would be fine, that I would be fine being around you. How wrong I was. I miss you. Even though I miss you I can't let the resolve just leave me. I have to pull it back over me like a child hiding under the covers from the monster under the bed. If I can't see you then everything is alright, right?

I saw you tonight...I saw you...I lost you...we lost us...

I saw you tonight and knew I wasn't ready to see you. All the memories of our happy times flooding back into my heart, making it scream out in an attempt to reach you. But even though I saw you tonight I knew I couldn't. I couldn't reach out. I can't speak to you. I can't see you. Yet I saw you tonight and nearly lost myself once more. While my heart screams out in its longing for you, my mind must keep it locked in a cage. It can't be trusted around you, I can't trust what it wants. While I saw you tonight I knew I couldn't be there. While I still ache to be with you I know it's no good for either of us to do so. What was once a loving environment turned into a toxic one. What used to feel so safe and secure became a battle ground. Our love became a war. So when I saw you tonight I knew I needed to walk away once more.