I'm So Tired

I'm so tired of crying for you.

Of trying for you.

Of beating myself up and pedestaling you.

I'm tired of trying to make things work.

Simultaneously to end up in the dirt.

And it hurts.

Just sitting here and dreaming of your face,

Of a chance or a place,

When you might look at me as you used to.

But I understand.

I know it could never happen again.

Your coldness reaffirms it,

And your face it just confirms it.

But you still take my breath away.

We could never have what we had,

Never again because that life is at an end.

We're different people now,

So all the why's and the how's don't matter.

But my mind is in such a clatter.

All the would've been's and should've been's,

I just can't say that they don't matter.

The best part has always been falling in love with you.

So I sit here in my daze, in my haze,

With my hands around my face.

Willing myself to just get back up and brush the dust off.

Wipe those silly tears off my face.

Try again to make amends, because love will come again.

When I'm ready. In good time.

I'll be worth someone saying, "That's mine,"

And truly meaning it.

Until then, I guess I'll just sit here.

Sorting my shit out and becoming me again.

God damn, I haven't been me in months,

And for once, I'm really missing it.

Before we reconnected, I was happy.

I felt like I was something.

But now that you don't even care a single ounce about me, I feel like nothing.

That's not fair, what I'm doing to myself.

No, I don't blame you, I never do and never did.

And I hope that you remember that.

I've always taken responsibility for my own mistakes,

I take my blame, and it'll be buried with me in my grave.

Looking at you gives me so many butterflies,

And the hard truth that you don't feel that way,

It made me picture my demise.

But you know what?

I'm worth more than that.

I'm worth more than a second thought, a second glance.

We don't need a second chance.

And as much as it hurts and it feels like I'm dying,

I won't stop trying, at least to be your friend.

Because our son deserves it, and it's him I'll always adore in the end.

He's got the best parts of us both, and I only hope to watch them grow.

To become a man that does what he's shown to do.

So do me a favor, no matter how much you hate her, don't date her,

Because in the end it's your son who will see the ending and that's even sadder.

Yep, you guessed it, the she is me, so set me free.

Don't let me believe what I want to believe, don't give me hope.

Because in the end, that's not me it's you, but in the end, it's all the same noose.

My life is so much more than this.

Eternal bliss, it's all such bullshit.

You find it, you lose it, and you'll find it again.

Because in the end,

There's nothing better than rediscovering a better you.

So many people lose themselves in their love.

But it isn't real,

And to heal you have to tell yourself that.

Because, honestly, it was,

But it hurts too much to admit it.

So admit it and move on.

Cherish the memories you once had,

And learn from them.

Tell yourself that version of you is gone,

And there's a better one just waiting for confirmation.

You're better than this.

It's okay for a while,

But when that love's been gone for miles,

You just have to get over it.

Pick up your shit and deal with it.

I believe in you, and sometimes we all need to hear it.

Here's to all the heartbroken.

It will always be there in some ways.

Some ways it will fade.

But at least we're not alone in it.

We think it's the people we're with that are making us happy,

but it's really us.

It's us, seeing a better version of ourselves brought out through them.

So push them off of that metaphorical high horse,

Get on the bus to oblivion.

Because when you realize no one but you needs to make you happy,

It's a beautiful thing.

Be happy. Love yourself,

Because above all else you deserve it.