I'm Not Okay

I’m not okay, and

I’m not all right

I can’t pretend anymore that

All is well and good

Yet, I am so grateful

For the precious, sharp pain

I feel pounding in my chest

When I remember you

And your love for me

And I realize I am still alive

I am reminded that you also once lived

I know I would not have this deep,

Dark ache inside if it wasn’t for you

The emptiness and hurt could not exist without the

Memory of fullness and joy of our love

I am empty, but I am full

My eyes can no longer hold the suffering and torment

The tears simply will not stop

Making my face wet and soaking my pillow at night

My hands just want to touch your skin

And feel you pressed against me one more time

My fingers want to intertwine with yours as we sleep

Like two puzzle pieces designed by God

I can no longer will the memories of you away

I never could and would never want to

So, I stay living in my dreams

Of our past hours, days and life as one

Knowing that when the time eventually comes

When my body no longer contains my spirit

When my ashes sit on a someone’s shelf somewhere

Trapped in a container collecting dust

Someone has to remember to clean

Only then will my soul will be free

To be back with you

Swimming together in the rivers of eternity

Until then…

I’m not okay, I’m not allright

I can’t pretend anymore that

All is well and good

- Julie O'Hara

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