I'm Not Okay

Here she comes, my most loyal friend,

“Hey! How are you?” She greets me with a hug,

Pulling away I state,

“I’m fine.”

There it is again, my brain spinning

On a never ending ferriswheel,

Someone trying to peel back another layer, awaiting the reveal

I search for a fire escape, but I don’t want to evade the question

I am spraying perfume, but not trying to mask the feelings

I’m hungry for Him, but fasting, I regress

How am I to express something I don’t know how to digest

There’s a fog lingering around in my head, when will it subside?

It’s blocking the insight from the other side

My cerebral hemisphere must be detached because what I get fed from the left

Isn’t read right in my mind

God is either still preparing me, or protecting me,

Either way this is affecting me!

My left eye twitching uncontrollably, people don’t seem to notice

But it’s bothering my focus, hindering my ability to act normally

With every twitch, I begin obsessively thinking what it must mean

Superstition says, it’s a sign of my end approaching

Others preach psalms and empty words like their helping

But nothing has comforted me, and I need God more than ever

This world has me eager for the end of me, and the beginning of Him

Perhaps I don’t think anyone envisions this world like I do.

The rapture is coming, it’s on an express train to you

Close one eye to the madness, and focus the other on what’s coming

Like when Jesus dangled from that cross and said

“Forgive them for they know not what they do”

Even though He had been beaten, mocked, and publicly shamed,

He still embraced us with an ocean of grace

Leaving with us hope, but cautioning us to hold fast, our faith we brace

I don’t know how to cope because I feel joy, I feel enlightened

But on the contrary, I feel heavy hearted, battling over a massive funeral procession

And I don’t want to be the one reading the eulogy

Majority of society denying the truth, as the masses scream out

If only they wanted to ingest the living waters we profess…

Fear however, is a friend who’s inevitable,

You can delay death, but you can never escape from it

So tell me God, how am I supposed to feel?

I don’t know how much more I can take,

Everyday is another heartbreak,

And my heart is already a mosaic, please don’t make me pick it up again

You took someone broken and made them beautiful,

Yet, I cannot escape the persistent question,

My mood is constantly buoyant, highs and lows

Emotions come and go, I can play it safe, ride the wave

Or I can dock at the nearest port, and wait out the storm

People don’t want to hear my story, they want to hear yours

This is supposed to be the person I can trust,

I refuse to burden her with my blues, because for us to meet, it must be a secret

Too many walls have ears, and too many windows have eyes

If they see us together for too long, it will be our demise

I don’t know how long I have to endure the same question over and over

The same “How are you?” and “Are you sure?”

Echoing from hollow words, even though she’s begging for me to just speak what’s on my mind

But they don’t have a clue how much I talk to you,

Eventually I will tell them, I will share when the time is right,

The things I have seen, these vivid prophetic dreams

But as of right now, I don’t think they’re prepared for what that is going to mean

Perhaps, that person will be the one who is listening, stay tuned and find out

Perhaps I’ll feature it on the next poem, or perhaps it’s encoded in these bars

Drunk on a rabbit hole, where society tells you to never go,

But deep down, it’s what I need to know

Because to see how people try to kill you is not for the faint of heart

Because you’re giving Fear an opportunity to make it a reality from the start,

DeJa Vu, or voodoo? I am not sure which is true,

But I have seen and fulfilled visions and dreams

Someone mentioned the gift of prophecy,

It seems a little burdensome, deciphering who is meant to know

And who is not, I need a manual or checklist to get me through the rest of this

There’s one vision or dream, I do not know

Though, I don’t share it often, because it’s

Graphic, dark, and realistically I thought it happened

They say to die in your dream, is to die in reality

Yet here I am, defying all of them

How am I supposed to understand that?

Perceived to be immortal is an immoral double standard…

I feel it deep within, and I am not sure if it’s God giving me a chance

Or showing me His gameplan

So if she asks me again,

I’ll tell her, that I am stuck in a cloud, and depressed all the same

It took too many thoughts to convince me of that

How can a Christian be depressed? It doesn’t make sense…

But depression never left me, because there’s scars depressed deep in my heart

The band aid I put on it, peeling from the edge

So please God, give me strength,

Unveil the plan, I don’t want to feel left out

Here she comes, my most loyal friend,

“Hey! How are you?” She greets me with a hug,

“How are you?”

“Girl, I don’t know how to begin to tell you….”