I'll wipe my own tears

I’ve been mourning for 14 years and counting.. constantly wondering when this so called “it’ll get better” phase will come into focus..

But uhh.. I think I’ve just learned how to function enough to be able to temporarily pause the thought…

I often wonder how you’re doing, looking up at the stars; praying that I’m looking at the right one, the correct soul..

Your absence has caused an ache in my chest that refuses to fade and just when I think I’ve finally picked up the last piece of my shattered spirit, your memory flashes before my eyes..

& all though the sight of you brings me joy and happiness, strong enough to make me feel that you are actually wrapping your arms around me? The memory of our ending follows and reminds me that you’re gone.. you’re no longer a memory I can visit physically..

But I hope while you’re watching over me you remember our memories.. I hope you laugh and reminisce on all of our stories.. so much that you clap your hands while you tell it..

There are no days that pass where your memory does not cross my mind, till this day I’ll talk about you and smile.. I fictitiously come up with all of these sentences and conversations I just have to have with you the moment I see you again… but I know for sure that all I’ll do is cry as if I am reliving the day you left us.. me..

My throat still locks up when I try and fight that urge my mind so pristinely tries to leave behind.. but I can’t see that last memory.. I push it away.. I close the curtains and blacken the screen because I refuse to remember it.. I refuse to remember our goodbye because even after 14 years... this truth just can’t be…

The memory of us… me; losing you is suffocating...

I often question if I had matured a little quicker or learned how to help a little faster or understood my dreams and what they mean a little more consciously without listening to everyone tell me that they were just bad dreams…

Would it have made a difference? ..

Would it have given us… me, more time?

.. what do I do with our memories now ..