I Like You (but just as a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I still the know the night you told me. We wanted to be cool and turned on the adult program at 02:02 in the morning without your mother knowing, our friendship rainbow plush unicorns in our laps. That’s back in the day people believed rainbows were the place unicorns sleep at watching over a treasure. I laughed so hard I wet the couch and dropped my head on your shoulder. You said: "I like you." We looked at each other in confirmation and said at once: "But just as a friend!"

And then I left. My parents got divorced and we moved to a different city. You are the home I waved goodbye to. The first night in my new room I threw up eight times. Now we are more than eight hours apart — if you drive.

Eight months later my mother took me to the post office and told me to wait in the car. “Special delivery!” There you were, arm in arm with my mother, your head hidden in a package box and a red ribbon around your neck. “Woah, can we please go home? I haven’t peed for like 8 hours!” You glanced at the clock: “Oh, touch something red!” You cut the ribbon in half and tied it around my wrist. It’s 22:22 at night. Touching something red at funny times is lucky. So weird. But you inspired me. I’ve been wearing red ever-since, every day.

It feels like no time had passed, despite the distance. We talk all night. You make my room home again. I wet my bed laughing. We grew up miles apart and yet I was closer to you than to any person surrounding me every day. — But just as a friend!

The one carnival party we took by storm marching in plush rainbow unicorn costumes arm in arm. We are the unicorn couple. Sooo, are you like… girlfriends?, the guys asked us. “I like her!,” I said. We look at each other: “But just as a friend.” That night I have my first kiss with one of the guys, you got the other one. They go all in, yet I am closer to you than any of them. What time is it? 02:02 already. Touch something red… It’s weird how you make me feel home.

And so we grew up, left our homes. I moved 750 miles away… 3,801 miles… Looking for the kind of love you are always surrounded by wherever you go. You make it look so easy. When I lost my new home together with my virginity, I didn’t tell anyone but you. You had a friend with benefits for the first time and we laughed at how boring sex is. I felt home on the open street just texting with you. “Hahaha, so you like your new boy?” — Yeah, but just as a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s 11:11. We touch something red, remember, it’s lucky. I pick myself back up and move on, 5,324 miles further away. That’s where I make myself a friend with benefits, too, looking for a home of love. I didn’t tell anyone but you.

I wish you would tell me your magic secret. How everyone just likes you. My friends like you, yours like me. How you are happy all the time. How you never cry. How success, good grades and boyfriends just come to you. How your partner is your biggest fan, best friend and greatest cheerleader. You make relationships look fun. Mine are temporary, under constant construction: Guys who tell me to practice. Guys who tell me I’m too much. Guys who tell me to change to fit in. “How weird though,” you said. “Nothings wrong with you, you are just not an influencer who fits in, you’re an inspirator!” I didn’t expect to inspire you, the way you inspire me. You told everyone how I inspire you, leaving my home to go after my dream, it’s weird…

I’m actually so proud of us. We found our treasure friendship back in the day unicorns weren’t a thing and the White House hadn’t been lit up in rainbow colors yet. We were ahead of our time. The revolution of love only succeeds if everyone is a part of it. Straights who say they are. Gays who say they are. Whoever people choose to be. Everyone puts their pronouns in their bios now. We destigmatized sexual orientation without even thinking about it. Women can be anything today and rainbows are more now than just the place where unicorns sleep and you find a treasure.

Sometimes I’m afraid I wake up from our beautiful dream. A dream of a world that grows together. Where people of every sexual orientation, skin color or ability stand up for each other. We grow closer every day.

I’m afraid our friendship was just a dream. A dream of having a home. A dream of wetting the bed laughing. A dream of being loved so much it feels too easy to be true.

Some night I cry because I’m so afraid of waking up from this dream. I turn on the adult program and wonder why love is so hard for me. Loving you is so much easier than letting myself be loved . — And my gaze falls upon my wrist. The red bracelet confirms: I’m awake. It's just so easy. Some things are impossible, you say, and then they happen anyway.

And I like you, but just as my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!