I Hate It Here

Take a breath, you’ll be okay

Today is THE day to start over

So why do I feel as if there’s honey on my hands

And why does it feel like my heart is suddenly in my head,

The pounding intensifies with each step towards the door

As if something inside is angered with each reverberated beat

But I cannot be deterred, this is supposed to my cure

With a steady breath I break the sacred threshold of a holy space

Pull the strings my puppeteer, I need to look okay!

Quick take me to the closest seat!

And with a quick tug of the strings,

My body found its place, my palms now slick with sweat

My eyes jumping from face to face,

The people were jovial, shaking hands and saving face

But when someone looked at me they quickly looked away

Before I could say anything, the judgement was already there

It’s as if the eyes of these people were piercing through my skin

Like a broadcast, I heard their thoughts swirl

Reverberating from my skull, a neverending echo

The words may have never slipped their lips but,

They say a picture says a thousand words,

Well facial expressions say a thousand more

I hate this feeling, I hate these thoughts,

I hate that every time I try I always hide and cry

They told me to come, hell they even begged

But every time I do, I’m rejected, left for dead

Why would I play nice, when the people of the steeple have a secret vice?

It’s really no secret, most of us see this for what it is…

Is it so wrong to feel that somewhere I belong?

Could there be somewhere I fit in?

How many knives will I have to pull from my back?

If they cared more for the souls and less about empty seats,

Instead of dreaming of the post-service eats

These people must be the highfalutin kind,

And here I thought no one was above the one they preach about?

These people will fall under Him if they don’t understand

Even I believe in Him,

Although my soul doesn’t feel safe,

Which is why I even tried coming to this place.

Persecuting the lost and broken,

While banking on a jail-free token

I bet half couldn’t even fit in my shoes, and those who do

Well, I’d be surprised if they could go a mile or two…

I don’t want to be God, I just want to do right by Him.

Clearly I am not worthy…

I remember being told that the body is thy temple,

If that’s true, then why the brick and mortar?

The pamphlet said something about studies and fellowship,

But the last time was the last time,

Fellowship turns to gossip sessions

The only accountability is the tea getting passed around

Disappointment caresses me and whispers “I didn’t want to say I told you so…”

My head hangs low, hair shielding my tear-stained face,

My hands grip my elbows, as if like a body cast

Can someone activate the emergency action plan?

I think I may be dying!

Thirsty for the words of life,

Someone please help me from this sickness!

I never claimed to be perfect, I’m far from a masterpiece

So I don’t know why this place is pretending to be a museum of fine art

A type of menagerie,

When it was supposed to be a sanatorium,

It’s quite the tragedy

I think if He walked the Earth today,

He would be appalled by what most had to say

He didn’t want to be an exhibit,

Nor should we,

Popularity doesn’t always win the hearts,

but it does win the numbers

Can we forget about the optics and focus on those at stake?

Don’t come pointing fingers when you can’t handle your own iniquities

Can’t be bothered by convictions

So you sit and settle for Psalms instead

I’m not looking for a fight,

I’m just looking for a flame to tend

I try to watch my speech,

Put a little more care into how I preach

Because this little light of mine,

I’m going to let it shine

But we must also recognize that He is just,

Why do you think we have shades,

Because most of us cannot look at our creator in the face

So let faith be the reflection in my eyes,

Let my voice be heard,

Let there be power behind my words

I’m not ashamed to be a Christian,

Only ashamed of my sin

Was it so wrong to seek a familiar face?

To fellowship and praise?

If this place was a headquarters of sorts,

Then why is it so silent when asked to pray?

So, yes…I’ll speak it plain,

I hate it here

Maybe one day I will have the courage to face the faces who caused my isolation

I’ll never have acceptance when I’ve experienced one too many rejections

Because to be an outcast, I must’ve been born again

He isn’t looking for clones, He didn’t want me to fit in

So, I’m accepting my terms of being an outcast,

In my opinion I’ll take that over being casted out of Heaven

So go ahead my pompous crowd,

I’d rather die in the pits

Than to be lied to by Judas’ kiss

If you could simply turn off your speaker system and listen,

Maybe then, we could reform from church hating

To a generation where the Holy Spirit is pervading