I hate being single

I like being single

Like I like missing my flight.

Translation.

Being single has always made me feel like I was missing something.

Like I overslept,

And the destination I’ve been trying to reach

Now has me anxiously on hold,

Searching for a plane heading in the general direction marked happy.

Like I’m stuck in the middle seat.

In between the person I want to be,

And who I think you’re willing to settle for.

Since before I wanted to be anything,

I wanted to be in love.

I fucking blame Disney.

For teaching a generation

That happy and relational matrimony were one in the same.

That before the credits could role

We had to reconcile a broken protagonist

With a female character who already had her shit together.

That happily ever after didn’t occur

Unless prince charming was endearing enough for her to ignore his inadequacy.

Or

You kidnap her father and force her to live in a house with you

Until she gets to know the “real you”

And fall in love.

Because obviously you’re a really great guy,

She just has to get to that you first.

You know, rescue you from yourself.

Anyway, if I’m being honest,

I’ve always felt like I needed saving.

Like I’ve been drowning in the mess of me with my hand in the air

Hoping you love a good project.

Like I’ve only ever excelled at sinking a good thing.

And it took fifteen years of marooned ships and an almost engagement

For me to realize the problem with all my relationships

Was living in this body.

This empty.

This desperate need to feel worthy of an “I miss you.”

I was looking for happily ever after,

Without ever once considering that my happy

Shouldn’t come after I change my relationship status.

And I have this script in my head.

That says “if you are alone,

Then you will always be alone.”

I memorized it before I realized I had written down the words wrong.

The message was supposed to read

“Be alone,

Until you can be ok with that.

Until happy is no longer something someone else can give you.

Until alone feels like alive.”

Until the answer to “I haven’t been this happy since…”

Is “15 minutes ago, when I smiled without needing anyone else to see it.”

Some tips on how to love yourself,

From me,

To me.

Mail yourself a gift card to your favorite store,

Include the message “The cops are onto us,

Cus we’ve been killing the game lately.”

Go see a rom-com,

By yourself,

And love that shit!

Or don’t if it’s a bad movie,

Because dammit you have standards now.

Ask yourself to dance.

At the bar where no one is dancing.

And when no one else joins you

Smile, and thank yourself for the dance.

It was just what you needed.

I’ve spent so long waiting for someone to love me into happy,

That I missed the part where I actually got to see if I even liked who I am.

And on most days

I’m still not sure.

But I am now learning to love the parts of me I hope someday

Someone is willing to sit in the middle seat just to get to know.

That maybe,

After all this searching,

I’ll realize I didn’t miss the flight.

I was just waiting around at the wrong terminal.